Want to test a relationship? Try traveling apart.
Two weeks into my four month trip to Australia, I was sitting in Mission Beach with some guys at my hostel talking and playing drinking games.
In between rounds were the usual questions about countries of origin and travel plans, where we were from and where we hoped to go. As the game wore on and empty bottles began outnumbering full ones, talk turned to travel sex and with it came the revelation that I hadn’t yet had any.
The men feigned shock and started heckling me (good naturedly, of course). I laughed and threw up my hands, “I can’t!” I cried in defense, “I’ve caught monogamy!”
What I thought was a pretty good excuse drew essentially the same reaction from all of them, “So?”
One even went so far as to claim that three quarters of the women he slept with while traveling had boyfriends back home. They then asked how long I’d been gone, upon hearing my answer, one shook my hand while simultaneously shaking his head “Good luck with that” he said smiling.
Doing Time Without The Ball And Chain
I know I wasn’t alone in that situation. For many people traveling is an exciting opportunity to meet someone new, for others it is the beginning of many long weeks – or months – apart from the one you’ve already found.
And while you’ve already got the easy part of the equation (being the one leaving is always easier than being left behind) it’s still a tricky road to navigate.
First of all, it’s heartbreaking to leave someone.
The airport goodbye with the heart wrenching hugs and kisses, the looks that are the last for months, and the tears are because both of you know it. This kind of chosen absence leaves a different kind of emptiness.
Keeping in touch isn’t the hard part, as internet cafes are plentiful and you probably won’t ever be far from a phone. Calling cards are cheap and there’s always the old standby of a postcard or letter – slow, but a nice touch for the romance and nostalgia of getting something in the mail.
It’s not about infidelity either. Despite what the men in Mission Beach say, if you want to stay faithful, you will. You know what you have to do. You know the lines you’ll have to draw, the tightrope you’ll have to walk.
It’ll mean a lot of saying no and carries with it the potential of awkward situations when you do. It involves listening to another’s accent, as they try to convince you that staying faithful is cheating yourself out of the real experience of the trip.
It means being predictable instead of dramatic, but if you want to do it, you’ll do it.
The Balance Between Loss And Excitement
There will always be that nagging feeling that since you’re on the trip, you should be on the trip, not standing with a sweaty telephone pressed to your ear or typing an email that strikes just the right mix of sounding like you’re having fun but also missing them terribly.
It’s important to miss someone, to reflect on what they contribute to your life and how their absence affects you- good and bad.
It’s also a great way to reconnect with someone especially if you’ve been together a long time (this is why I am a strong believer in the occasional separate vacation).
It’s important to miss someone, to reflect on what they contribute to your life and how their absence affects you- good and bad.
However, you can’t spend your entire trip crying into your filthy hostel pillow or glued to the phone. You have to find the balance between loss and excitement. And that my friends, is the difficult part, striking out on your own while still managing to keep the home fires burning.
To put it plainly, it’s just a matter of doing it.
Choosing to stand outside a bar talking to the one back home, rather than in the bar talking to the ones you’re drinking with. Realizing that the few hours when your time zones overlap and are able to talk, are always the most inconvenient times of the day but making the call anyway.
Occasionally missing out on things where you are, to be part of moments taking place thousands of miles away. And occasionally saying no to someone you love, to say yes to yourself.
Making the sacrifices and the phone calls, writing the emails and making sure that flirting doesn’t go beyond flirting. It’s the same blend of compromise and compassion that makes a relationship work when you’re together.
Madeleine Somerville is a big city girl living in small city British Columbia, where she works as a newpaper columnist. She has travelled to Thailand and Japan and most recently came back from a few months of sun and sand Down Under. It’s likely many of you have your own stories to tell of love and loss on the road. Please share in the comments!
About the Author
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13 Comments... join the discussion!
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hey Timen,
I think that if you manage to get through a trip without missing everyone back home too much that’s an indication of a pretty good trip!
Maybe it was just Australia, but I find the whole hostelling experience tends to be a little like uni., and with so many people usually aged between 18-25 in one place, some sex is going to happen! That said, you usually find what you are looking for…so maybe I was just looking a little too much at the cute surfer bums
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Hey there…fantastic description of trying to feed an travel addiction while obeying ‘the rules’ and keeping a relationship healthy.
“Email that strikes just the right mix of sounding like you’re having fun but also missing them terribly:” so true. The hardest part of traveling apart seems to be telling the amazing stories of your trip without sounding like you never want to come home.
It seems like you really have to work to engage in real email conversations rather than just typing stories from two sepearate worlds at each other.
Anyway, best of luck with the travel and the relationship!
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What if your significant other is traveling, say through Southeast Asia, but has already been gone almost a month and hasn’t phoned yet? I know he’s phoned his mom, and I’ve been getting regular e-mails, but other than that, nada…Do I have any right to feel hurt/annoyed, or should I be chilling out?
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hey Dave,
I don’t know the relationship or you two as a couple, but in a word: yes. Yes you have a right to feel hurt and annoyed, absolutely.When you’re embarking on a long-distance relationship, communication really is the only thing holding that relationship together. In my opinion, emails aren’t really enough unless you’d previously agreed that emailing wold be your only method of communication. Props to your man for being close to his mom, but it only takes five minutes to make a phone call to you.
I say mention it calmly in your next email, “any chance of getting a phone call from you? I miss hearing your voice” and see where it goes from there.
Lastly, have faith. Long distance is hard and requires a lot of negotiations. Be open and don’t jump to conclusions.
xoxo↵ -
In 2000 my boyfriend and I said a tearful goodbye at Zoo Station in Berlin as the train carried him back to New Zealand (well, to Frankfurt where he caught a plane). I was staying in Germany, I didn’t know for how long, but we wanted to give the long-distance thing a try. Almost a year later, I flew back home but he’d visited me twice that year. Without those visits I don’t know if we could have made it, but we’re still together now! The experience definitely made our relationship stronger.
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Hey Madeleine, thanks for the advice! I did mention it in an e-mail, and he wrote back that his one and only phone call had been to his mom, but that the 5-second delay really made conversations difficult.
He has been e-mailing almost every day, so I’m feeling better about it now. I guess I just needed to ask him!
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Dave I am so glad things worked out – in long distance relationships when your whole partnership centres around a few written words or hasty conversations things can be blown out of proportion…but it’s a great lesson for learning how to communicate effectively and how to ask for what you need from eachother.
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I know this is a year late, but I just read this article, and had to comment.
This tugs on my heartstrings…I went through these exact feelings during my trip to France two years ago. First time traveling outside of the country, and the first time leaving my boyfriend for so long. I was excited for my trip and both he and I knew how important it was for me to go, but I was so sad to leave him behind.
“Occasionally missing out on things where you are, to be part of moments taking place thousands of miles away. And occasionally saying no to someone you love, to say yes to yourself.” — You put the words to my feelings and my experience of traveling without him.
But, I had a wonderful trip, and the first time I saw his face again back in the States was well worth it, and nothing short of amazing.
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I couldn’t agree anymore. My s/o is leaving very soon for the year and its been difficult up to now. Reading this article shed a lot of light towards our situation. You made a lot of valid points and its good to see that someone believes in relationships having a chance overseas!
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Reading this, and being almost to a week of going home has made me appreciate and really look at what I did over the past 5 months. My significant other is still at home waiting, and yes, it was difficult, there were days I would have given anything to be with him. But at the same time I learned so much about being somewhere else, that I can do this, I can be on my own. Not that I’m not looking forward to seeing him when I get back, of course! I believe we are both stronger because of it, and I wish any couple the best of luck on this adventure; it’s worth it in the end.
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Another late replier, but i just read this and had to say something!
This is my exact situation right now, my boyfriend of a year has left to travel South America for 3 months. He booked the trip before we started going out and it ended up being impossible for me to join (work, time, money contraints) although I tried. I ended up planning my own trip with a girlfriend, leaving in a couple of weeks.
He’s about a month into the trip and everything is starting to fall apart.. I can’t help being so resentful at the whole situation! Every time we talk or email lately it’s quite upsetting and hurting us both. I know I’m being way too selfish and my behaviour is ruining his trip but for some reason the only way I can find to deal with him is to treat him coldly and everything comes out so negatively. I don’t even know what I would change exactly or what he’s done wrong (apart from leaving!), because I understand how it is travelling and how you can’t phone or email all the time and I certainly wouldn’t have him cut his trip short. We’ve both definitively ruled out taking a break but staying together is not easy, especially given that communication is infrequent and when we do email it ends in disaster. For the first time ever I’m almost wishing we were broken up and had nothing to do with each other.
Hopefully we’ll make it, I mean it’s only 3 months.. then again, it’s 3 long months….
(Apologies for the rant, so many emotions!!)
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