The Brave New Traveler Guide To Hostel Sex will get you out of the dorms and into sweaty, awkward bliss faster than you can say “light my fire”.
What do you get when you drop a few dozen backpackers into a hostel, soak with beer and mix in a healthy dose of liberation from social norms?
A tidal wave of hormones…and one major problem: where to go to get it on?
Unless you’re a flamboyant exhibitionist, nothing puts a damper on romantic relations like company. Dorms are almost never empty, and even when they are, the likelihood of someone barging in makes anything more than surreptitious groping an impossibility.
If you’re hankering to slide the key into the ignition and get your motor firing on all cylinders, you need to get creative, and get out of the dorms.
Unless you’re a flamboyant exhibitionist, nothing puts a damper on romantic relations like company.
First of all, let’s consider the options in and around the hostel.
Every hostel has hidden nooks and crannies that offer enough space and privacy for at least a hasty knee-trembler. You can be sure the hostel staff know about these spots, but unless you’re hooking up with one of them, asking for directions is bad form.
The trick is to know where to look, and to scout locations in advance if you’re feeling lucky. Here are some possibilities:
The Laundry Room
Most hostels have a laundry room that is abandoned at night. If you’re feeling naughty, the stacks of fresh-smelling sheets and towels make an ideal love-nest.
The more considerate and hygienic option is to make use of the sturdy appliances, with the woman sitting on top of the washer / dryer. (Extra points for spin cycle).
The Roof
When checking into your next hostel, take a look around and see if there’s any way to access the roof. Overhanging trees are one possibility, as are upstairs windows with broad sills from which you can pull yourself up to the rooftop.
Of course safety is important, and you shouldn’t take unnecessary risks, but you’d be surprised at how many hostel roofs are accessible with a little ingenuity.
And once you’re up there – well, the sky is the limit.
The Bathroom
OK, maybe it’s not the most romantic location, but most hostels have bathrooms that lock. As long as the floor and toilet are reasonably clean, you can shut yourselves inside and bump uglies to your heart’s content.
Even open bathrooms with several stalls offer the possibility of a quickie – just ask Senator Larry Craig.
The best position is for the guy to sit on the toilet while the girl sits in his lap – this way she can lift her legs off the floor if someone comes in, so that from the outside it looks like just one person is in the stall.
The Broom Closet
If the laundry room is locked, the roof is inaccessible and the thought of sex in a bathroom stall makes you queasy, the hostel broom closet is a classic option.
The main problems with the broom closet are that nothing more than a standing position is possible, mop handles have a way of whacking you in the head at inopportune moments and the smell of high-test floor cleaner can make you pass out.
The key is to be quick (if you’re screwing in a broom closet I doubt this will be a problem).
Don’t have sex in the hostel kitchen. No one wants traces of mystery juice in their stir-fry.
The Kitchen
Don’t have sex in the hostel kitchen. Just don’t. People cook food in the kitchen. No one wants traces of mystery juice in their stir-fry.
Plus, hostel kitchens aren’t as private as you might think. Even at 4 am you can bet that someone will be looking for a midnight snack, and nothing ruins an appetite like the sight of bare asses bouncing on the counter.
Seriously, don’t have sex in the kitchen.
The Great Outdoors
If your hostel has a backyard, look for a shadowy spot behind a tree.
Better yet, if you’re in a semi-rural area, get out of the hostel grounds entirely. A copse of trees can provide all the privacy you need, and a lonesome beach is even more enticing.
Just remember to snag a towel or a bed-sheet from the hostel before running naked down the sand.
Get A Room Already!
Look, I know you’re on a tight budget. But I guarantee that a few years down the road, when you’re married and have a mortgage, you won’t regret having dropped a couple extra bills for a night of passion.
In many countries, like Japan and Taiwan, there is the ‘love-hotel’ option, where you can rent a fantasy-themed room by the hour. Otherwise, just jump in a cab and ask the driver to take you to a guesthouse or motel.
As usual, Mark Twain sums it up best, “10 years from now you will be more disappointed by the people you haven’t done than by the ones you have, so cast off the panties, sail away from the hostel dorm – explore, dream, get laid!”
Where’s the most creative place your “friend” has ever had sex? Shock and titillate us by leaving a comment below!
BNT contributing editor Tim Patterson travels with a sleeping bag and pup tent strapped to the back of his folding bicycle. His articles and travel guides have appeared in The San Francisco Chronicle, Get Lost Magazine, Tales Of Asia and Traverse Magazine. Check out his Matador profile.About the Author
More By This Author
- 9 Types of Travelers You'd be Blessed to Meet (37 comments)
- BNT's Best of the Week 3/13/2010
- BNT's Best of the Week 03/07/10 (2 comments)
Related Posts
168 Comments... join the discussion!
-
-
At Finca Magdalena, Isla Ometepe in the coffee refinery loft area. She was an annoying Austrailian chick and the floors were hard, but it was pretty hot.
↵ -
- at a local park in the afternoon right near a horse farm, yup the horses were our audience
- in every room of the house (literally)
- in the back of the car
- on the roof of our house
↵ -
Bathrooms and beaches aren’t the best of places. That’s just asking for any of a dozen diseases, parasites, and viruses particularly for the fairer sex. Pools suck too. Water is a godawful lubricant. Of course that’s what the logical side of a person says, but there’s no fun if there’s no risk.
I’ve had quite a few “adventures” on my tavels.-In a stairwell in one of the female dorms at Brigham Young U: Hawaii. I’m going to hell for that one.
-On top of the Brain and Cognitive Science building at MIT
-Spelunking with a bunch of friends me and my girl crawled behind a waterfall for some personal time during the lunch break. The rocks were hard and slippery and the water was deafening and everywhere. We both got sick, and caught, but it was worth it
-Every room of an 11 meter long boat. It was a long trip.
-On a train traveling through Germany
Sex is always better when you’re not supposed to be doing it. Never had sex in a hostel though. I’ve always preferred to pay 15-20USD for a hotel room with a door that locks.
↵ -
Oh look, if you hook up with a local they probably have a better option than a hostel. Damn.
If not, there are plenty of locals that do.
↵ -
I’ve never stayed at a hostel while traveling. I either stay at a hotel/lodge/whatever with my own private space, or with contacts I know/visit.
“The best position is for the guy to sit on the toilet while the girl sits in his lap”
Eeeew, I don’t do public toilets!However, one of my most memorable escapades was a visit to Cuba in about 10 years ago. At my hotel, there was a Russian-Jewish mother (thankfully she couldn’t speak english!) and daughter who were traveling together. The daughter was hot — very classy, stylish. She was always with her stodgy mother. At the dinner buffet, I was able to quickly make my move while mother was at the table. I sweet talk the heck out of her and convinced her that she needed to get away from mommy a bit. She said it was difficult.
I told her my room # and said to drop by “any time.” An hour later after dinner while everyone’s watching the Cuban entertainment by the pool side, she sneaks up to me and whispers “Bee inz zur zroom at znine pm” and she quickly went back to mother’s side.To make a deliciously long story short, she dropped by, we had a remarkable time and we even kept seeing each other — secretly — on our return to Toronto. After her English lessons, she’d detour to my place to practise other stuff.
↵ -
Common room in my hostel, at 2 in the morning in Prague. Realized the next morning that there was a surveillance camera and the person at the front desk prolly got a show.
↵ -
Interlaken, Switzerland waited till the next morning and did it half way up a mountain on an open grass field looking over the city. Just incredible!
↵ -
A friend had sex in a church.
↵ -
My list!: in in a tight dorm bathroom (the door didn’t lock but we put something against it), on the beach at night and in the day time (it was a more secluded part of the beach…sort of =P), in a tour office with the tour leader on his lunch break after he locked the door, in a small airport shelter in a really rural village, on the gravely-grassy part next to the road (ouch) almost in the ditch, and a few other raunchy places.
You get so, so creative/such low standards when it comes to finding a place! I ALWAYS stayed in dorms but with a bit of ingenuity you can always find a way
↵
