Do you wonder if you can call any place home? You might belong to the nation of soul seekers.
Photo by Wazari
“Where is your Russian-ness, Katia?” an ex-boyfriend once accused me while visiting me in Amsterdam.
His remark was provoked by the fact that I didn’t offer him a whole cooked dinner – only a cup of tea with a cookie.
I wasn’t happy about his remark but I did start to think about my Russian-ness later, when I saw a program on Russia on the television.
The presenter of the program described Russian people as the nation of soul seekers, who dwell upon questions about existence even when there is no food in the house.
I was sad about the fact that some of my Russian roots seem to have gone to the wind, especially when the criticism came from a man with whom I used to have vivid fights about democracy in Russia.
“You don’t know the meaning of democracy in the Western world! And stop talking about my country in such a bad way,” I would shout at him, even ready to defend the image of my country in a physical way.
Keep On Keepin’ On
There seems to be little research on ‘soul-seekers’ – those who leave their country with no precise idea as to where the journey will take them.
Nowadays, however, when someone asks me about the politics in Russia, I simply smile in an English elusive sweet way (I am in the UK now) and say something like: “Or you know, we always manage.”
There are a lot of articles about expats and research being done on those who leave their country in order to return afterwards. There are also a lot of articles and books about immigrants, those who leave their country for good.
But there seems to be little research on so-called ‘soul-seekers’ – those who leave their country with no precise idea as to where the journey will take them.
My friend from Italy is a perfect example of a ‘soul-seeker’. We met while studying in Belgium, she from Italy, me from Russia, and we both traveled to different countries afterwards. Margerita went to Russia, I went to the Netherlands.
For a while, Margerita stayed in the Netherlands, while I returned to Belgium, and I remember what she told me on one occasion: “I don’t know what is worse, to live in total misery or not knowing where you belong.”
No End In Sight
On a TV program in Russia, one man described how my people have always managed to live under extremely difficult conditions. He said:
“Here in Russia, we have life and daily survival. Life is about discovery, when you read, or write, or listen to music or just try to answer the questions about existence and the world around you. And daily survival is the job, the cleaning, metro, sleep. Here in Russia most people prefer to live.”
I would apply his description to the nation of soul-seekers, and all those who go for the discovery of wonder.
It happened to me. Never in my early life did I imagine I would leave Russia at the age of nineteen and change four countries of residence in eleven years.
I became a strange Russian-European hybrid. I have nostalgia for four different places and don’t feel one hundred percent happy in any of them, because I miss the other three.
I am simply between countries, cultures, friends, jobs and languages and am not sure whether I will ever settle in any of the places I visit. Travel is like an addiction.
I know that there are more and more people like me. They go to discover the world but realize at some point that they don’t know where they belong anymore.
Your own culture back at home may simply be not enough once you return. And so you travel again and again and again. Until you find your better half or reach retirement.
Frankly I am not sure what is more likely to happen, as I’m not married nor am I entitled to a retirement yet.
Do you ever feel like you don’t belong anywhere? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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11 Comments... join the discussion!
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Love it! You have put into words exactly what many feel but are unable to communicate. I completely agree when you said:
“I am simply between countries, cultures, friends, jobs and languages and am not sure whether I will ever settle in any of the places I visit. Travel is like an addiction.
I know that there are more and more people like me. They go to discover the world but realize at some point that they don’t know where they belong anymore.”
I feel the exact same way. I have no clue where I am going next but going back doesn’t feel like much of an option. Each new place and section in time feels completely separate from the other. It’s like living completely different lives. I think what drives most people is a search to not feel so “different” or like an outsider, but at the same time you come to embrace this difference as well as the opportunity to observe different cultures, lifestyles and worldviews…in the end, what you realize is that “fitting into the norm” isn’t necessary (or even desirable) but what matters is that you learn to accept yourself.
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I lost my nation and culture without consent when I was adopted from Bangladesh to Holland, raised in a Caucasian family, while I was Mongoloid. I never felt home here, upon returning ‘ home’ I didn’t suited there, being spoilt with western attitudes and thoughts. Travelled throughout parts of my life. Mostly it feels as utter and total FREEDOM; no boundaries to keep, fitting anywhere and everywhere where I wish, fleeing when I want, connecting to whom comes along. But freedom without borders is as much a prison; no grounding, no culture to connect, no-one who truly understands your needs(it goes all so easily, like a butterfly), I consider it as the price I pay for not settling anywhere and home will be where my heart feels welcome.
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“But freedom without borders is as much a prison” Shathi- you make a great point. Being constantly on the move can be a sign of the inability to just “be” in the moment, without worrying about the next bend in the road, the next party, the next distraction. In this way, you may travel far over the horizon, but you ultimately can’t escape yourself.
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I agree with both Shati and Ian. Sometimes, behind being constantly on the road is the hidden desire to escape and being used to the thrill of the change. However, no one can escape from oneself. The inner self is always there on the watch presenting the same patterns and problems until you realize that there might be a problem…
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Very nicely articulated…I lived in 4 different countries also…and I would suggest that we are the forerunners, the seeds of the ‘world citizen’ that may be here in the future.
And when we are ‘pioneers’ we sometimes feel we don’t belong…
but the reward is freedom….soul freedom.
good idea for book….
thanks for writing…↵ -
Ekaterina -
Thanks for writing this. I’m sure there are a great many of us out there who share a perpetual sense of displacement. Some call it wanderlust, while others call it restlessness. Either way, I suppose the end result is the same – we are always looking forward to the next adventure, whatever it may be.
There are those who travel to find themselves, and there are those who travel to lose themselves. Perhaps reinvention and rediscovery of oneself requires both. In that regard, I wish you luck in becoming the Porcupine. At least, in the short run, it sounds like you have a destination.
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Thank you, Katya – well done. I wish I’d seen this sooner but have been swamped lately.
There is an entire group of people, typified by Pico Iyer, who only identify with people like themselves – people so removed from any single recognizable culture that they feel like they belong to none, and thus create their own. They’re called “Global Nomads,” or sometimes “Third-World Kids” or “TCKs.” I wonder where they go to look for soul…
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Sometimes things just happen… I was born in Paris, grew up in Spain, Canada, Algeria and Italy, lived in Bangkok and Tehran, and spent a great part of my working life in Switzerland and France. My parents were from two different cultures – Turkish and French – and their parents were from different cultures as well – Saudi, Jordanian, Dutch…
It’s possibly my most hated question and I’ll do almost anything to avoid it: Where are you from? Hmmmmm… do you mean where was I born? Where my parents were from? Where I was brought up? How I feel or think? The question sets in motion a number of panic reactions as I try to guess what is actually being asked.
I don’t belong anywhere – I make my home wherever I am. I feel part of all of these cultures, but don’t really belong to any of them. Sometimes I miss not having ‘roots’. On the other hand, rather than the restrictions of place, I can enjoy the freedom of thought and feeling. I belong wherever I choose to.
I’m probably not on my last destination yet, but wherever I go, I’ll belong – I won’t really have any choice.
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Great article…and it hits right home with me too…and to extend that, with my wife. I met my German wife in Canada and we left to travel and are now living in Australia. I always considered Vancouver my home but that is becoming less and less clear as I go along. We plan on living in London at some point in the future, but have no definite plans on going back to Canada (Vancouver at least). Daniel is absolutely right in that we only identify with people like ourselves. We might meet “friends” and acquaintances wherever we live, but there will never be that strong connection because they will never understand.
I think it is a very exciting thing though…I don’t feel lost and that I have to find my home. I feel very privileged that I have the luxury to say “hmmm…where do I want to go/live next?” It’s exhilerating NOT knowing where I will be in five years, but that the options are (almost) endless. My wife and I are inhabitants of the world.
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Great interview with Pico Iyer related to this article…
http://www.scottlondon.com/interviews/iyer.html
“Travel, in the superficial sense at least, is a good cure for loneliness….But I think loneliness can come in a more fundamental way, just as you are saying, if you realize that you don’t have an affiliation anywhere and that if you are going to cast a vote it has to be a kind of inner vote — that you are not participating in any kind of democracy except a democracy of the self.
But even a country like this one, which seems to me the loneliest place in the world in many ways — if you acknowledge that loneliness you are one step closer to dealing with it.”
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