For women in Saudi Arabia, much of their lives are hidden behind the shadow of men. But how do they judge Western society?
Photo by Kelly Hart
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we have just entered Saudi airspace, if you need to change into the appropriate clothing, now is a good time to do so.”
I had heard this announcement would be made on the flight, but I had cast it aside as one of those travel myths; when visiting other cultures, the reality rarely matched what the media, or other people told you.
Several women stood up and headed towards the bathrooms to change.
After landing in Jeddah, I boarded the bus the the terminal. As I took my seat, a Saudi man caught my attention. He rose from his own seat and gestured to a standing woman. She refused the offer with a polite shake of her hand.
The man asked another, refusing to sit until a woman finally accepted his offer. Looking around the bus, each woman wore a black abaya, covering them from head to toe. I wondered if they would prefer to remove their adornments, rather than have a seat.
The terminal building was awash with white traditional thobes, and red chequered khiefahs of Saudi men. The only women were those Westerners I had seen on the plane; now pushing their luggage toward awaiting cars.
The black-robed figures navigating the terminal were to be a brief introduction to what I would see in the Kingdom, and a constant reminder of an issue that I would struggle to understand.
Strictly Men Only
As I walked along the seafront in Jeddah the first evening, I was surprised to see a busting social scene among the locals.
I found a small irony in the colours that so obviously divided the Kingdom.
Men and women walked together along the Cornice, others brought blankets and small picnics, lying on the beach as the sun set.
Children screamed with delight as they enjoyed the camel or donkey rides with their parents looking on close by, while some couples walked along the sea front; others sat on the sea wall while their children played on the sand.
This could have been any beachfront in the world, were it not for the abaya covering each women. “It is just clothing,” said Mohammed, one of our escorts in the kingdom, said “it doesn’t affect what’s underneath.”
Signs declaring “Family Entrance”, “Singles Only” and “Strictly Men Only” appeared in almost every public place. Restaurants would often have separate doors so men and women would not even pass each other as they made their way to separate rooms.
Looking down from the third floor of a shopping centre I was surprised to see how strictly, and obviously, this rule was enforced: the white dress of the men filled one side of the seating area, and the black abayas of the women the other.
I found a small irony in the colours that so obviously divided the Kingdom.
Comparing Cultures
Saudi customs dictates that men and women should not mix. This made it difficult to gain a Saudi woman’s perspective on their life in the kingdom, so I searched elsewhere for debate.
Photo by Kelly Hart
A letter in the English newspaper Arab News provided me with one insight: “Music, socialising… men and women in the same place” wrote a Saudi female university student about coffee shops such as Starbucks “with so many sins in one place, I think they should be banned.”
Without doubt, many women opposed to their lifestyles are unable to speak out. But even this simple comment made me realise that trying to console my own views with those of Saudis would be a fruitless exercise. “You can’t compare Saudi to Western states” was a phrase repeated in many articles on the region.
But judgment can also be made the opposite direction. Among the statements of devotion to Islam in the newspaper, I also found this sickening opinion:
“Western clothes can make young girls appear sexy,”wrote one man in the letters page of Arab News. He went on to say that the abaya should be worn by girls as young as six, to avoid this distraction.
“Before I went to Britain, all I knew about Western women was what I saw in the movies. You know what I mean?” said Wahid, a local hotel manager who had visited Britain a few years ago. “I now know women in the West don’t always think about sex. I know there is more to them than that.”
Although as our conversation continued, it became clear that he didn’t consider there to be much more.
“A good Saudi woman belongs in the home. She enjoys to cook and to sew. Why does she need to go out, play sport or drive? She enjoys a life with her family.”
The Other’s Perspective
A good Saudi woman belongs in the home. She enjoys to cook and to sew. Why does she need to go out, play sport or drive?
As our escort Mohammed explained later, this view of women was not universal. “My wife is the director of a children’s school and I think some people think women do not need to work, but this opinion is slowly changing.”
(Contrary to popular belief women are allowed to work and can even hold positions of authority, as long as it is only women below her).
“Women now carry ID cards and have the opportunity to access their finances (whereas before, only male members of the family would have access to a woman’s savings – if they had any at all). They are also running in local elections. There is even talk about allowing women to drive, but this will only ever be just talk, I think.”
Just a short drive from the city of Jeddah is a series of private beaches. With high walls and private security, ex-pats can enjoy swimming and sunbathing without adhering to Saudi’s strict dress code.
During a visit to one of these beaches to snorkel in the Red Sea, I was noticed none of our Saudi guides leered at the women that walked around in bikinis. With my first sight of female flesh in over a week, I’m ashamed to say I could barely look away.
A simple trip to the beach opened my eyes to how many men must feel here:
An unmarried man in Saudi will never see the face of a woman to which he is not related. With arranged marriages the norm, a groom will see his bride’s face for the first time only after the ceremony. The bare arms of a woman is as unknown and holds as much mystery as any other part of her body.
For devote Saudis, trying to understand Western culture is as difficult for me to understand theirs.
Have you had similar feelings of disconnect with other cultures? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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27 Comments... join the discussion!
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Sadly I met no women there- Saudi or otherwise. Men and women don’t mix so there are no oportunities, even if there were female travellers. It’s incredibly difficult for even western women to travel alone (or in groups), most hotels will not even allow a woman to check in unless she is accompanied by a man (and he should be family). It IS possible to travel the kingdom (the easiest way being on an organised tour) but it is certain not easy and you would have to obide by very strict rules.
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Life is so unfair for some people. I feel very sorry for everyone here- even the men for thier repulsive opinions.
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Women still arent equal in the states yet so we shoudl be careful about criticising other countrys.We still have a long way to go…….
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All the Middle East has fairly stirct rules relating to women(even if few travelers respect them) but this seems obsurd. I have absolutly no wish to visit.
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I am honestly surprised to see such judgmental comments from people reading a website devoted to understanding other cultures. I’m happy you wrote this story, Matt, and glad to see people interested in the subject, but I think the story was a bit one-sided. You did not discuss the positives of this culture for both the men and the women. I am not from this culture, nor am I making a judgment call, but these customs would not survive if they did not benefit the majority. The best way to understand another culture is to come at it with that concept in mind.
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I would like to visit the Middle East, and I am aware of the cultural differences. The Middle East is not the only part of the world that expects woman to be covered from head to toe. As the saying goes “when in Rome.”
I agree with Jo’s comment about women still not being equal here in the States. We have a presidential election coming up in November and some people cannot believe that a Black man or woman could be president. It is the 21st century, right? We the people in the States still have progress to make. What’s that saying “people who live in glass houses should not cast stones.” Rebecca
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That’s a nice way of thinking in the perfect world Tomi, but I see no benefit to women being told how to live thier lives by men. These are not customs- these are rules imposed by men. Customs are centuries old, handed down through generations- Saudis seem to be people dictate to by the ruling elite!!!
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This will be hard to believe for some, but it’s not wholly men who are imposing these customs on women. It’s the culture. A woman walking down the street with a skirt so short that her belt covers more would scandalize just as many women as men, because it makes them (women) look bad, too. “How dare you embarrass us by wearing that?”
It’s the same as saying men force other men to remove their hats when the flag passes in a parade. CUL-TURE.
I agree that traditional cultures (including in the States) are grossly unfair in terms of letting women express themselves with the same freedom. I don’t agree that men have the right to brutalize women. I believe women should have the same rights as men. But don’t hand off this “everything is men’s oppression” garbage. I find it ignorant and offensive. I wouldn’t accept an African-American blaming me for slavery just because I’m white, either.
Hey, if women want to walk around naked, great. Far be it for me to oppress anyone! Cumbersome, pesky rules of male-imposed modesty be damned! If masses of nude women (or men) were walking down the street, I imagine I’d react with surprise at first – like many other women would – not because men demand they wear clothes, but probably because my culture expects it.
I hope I can be liberated one day so I can carry a purse without sideways looks. Dare to dream. CUL-TURE.
You can take my interpretation, or you can believe this:
Somewhere, in a classified location deep in the Midwest, a secret cabal of men scheme in a darkened, smoke-filled room. This is no typical star chamber: this is where the most powerful men in the world convene to plot new ways to denigrate women everywhere. From these insidious meetings come such indignities as panty hose, high-heeled shoes, bikini waxing and thong underwear.
Using Sex and the City is an ingenious way to force some of these ridiculous customs onto women, but the Middle Eastern chapter has the market cornered. In the West, the monopoly was busted up by secularism and women’s lib, but it’s amazing what men in the east can get away with using religion as a ploy!
Wow. All of these traditions are designed and enforced by men, who give each other a knowing nod as they walk down the street with their “honeys.” (That illusion of caring, too, is just a facade. “Wear the chains, subhuman” – ridiculous…)
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Matt i cant realy tell if you like or dont like the saudi culture.
In all cultures, stretching back to when we lived in caves, women served the men! It was the men that ddi the work, the women who were there wen they came home, whey shoud it be any diferent now. I tink the midle east is the only place that has the couarge to say women shount be euqal. why should they be criticied for there onesty?↵ -
Eric, stupid post. Have you ever raised children, cooked meals, washed clothes by hand in a bucket or river, dipped a string in candle wax to make candles, woven yarn into clothing, shaped pottery from which your family can eat… or for that matter really made food, e.g. pounded corn into tortillas? Men weren’t the only ones working throughout history. Educate yourself.
Matt, I don’t like the idea of an abaya. I wouldn’t want to visit Saudi Arabia, except from sheer morbid curiosity. Arranged marriages are unfortunate but there is something to be said for appreciating the beauty of women, underneath the abaya, to not be accustomed to it so that it continues to enchant. In America, men are having serious problems appreciating female bodies that aren’t perfected, or worse perfected through cosmetic surgery. Surprisingly though, apparently women over there get nose jobs pretty frequently, so I guess it’s still an issue. None of it is worth losing one’s freedom. I’d much rather be an American woman any day.
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I understand how Eric has come to this conclusion, having never left the cave.
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If you read the literature written by women who have lived in “strict” cultures (example: Reading Lolita in Tehran…there are many fiction and non fiction accounts), you get some insight into the advantages and disadvantages of cultures that seem so restrictive to women. The diversity of ways that humans set up rules for family structure and sexual contact are amazing and confusing!
If we look to our evolution, the scientists are not sure if we are more like Chimps (strict and separate male and female hierarchies with hidden ovulation and females mate with an many males as possible to make them all think they are dad) or Bonobos (everyone mates with everyone so that they can share food, space and company). Respected evolutionary biologists believe that humans evolved the pair bond so that males stopped killing each other over access to females and started cooperating protecting the tribe. Forms of marriage then are to reduce male/male violence…which is a good idea for women and children.↵ -
If you consider society as the process of allotting resources, then cultures are profoundly influenced by how sex is ” managed.” It may even be that a culture takes its distinctive form primarily from how sexual issues are structured.
Since human reproduction isn’t based on seasons, how we approach sexuality becomes our responsibility, not nature’s. It’s interesting that instead of facing it in more direct terms, we hand it off again to artificial (laws, mores) or supernatural (God) elements, re-externalizing sex.
This is perhaps why the scientists Andrea mentions can’t figure which ape culture most resembles human: because there are instances of both monogamy and polygamy, closed and open families in human society. I believe that as people become more skillful at abstracting ideas, inborn senses of family and pairing becomes less influential. In other words, the great variety of culture exists because we’re less controlled by instinct than other animals.
Evolution is an interesting place to start with the origins of human society, but there are always two senses to the word: the past and the future. Evolution may show where we’ve come from, but it shouldn’t be a straitjacket for where we may eventually GO!
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Some of the men in this article dont’ seem to have evolved much beyond the period Andrea talks about
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Eric
You are but the up most naive and ignorant person to say that, the fact is times have changed, we aren't living in a cave anymore,it is the 21st century.Maybe you need to come back down to reality. this is our history soon children wont only be learning about WWII but the memory's and history we have created ourselves. We create the future for the next generation. All your doing is showing that your not open minded. That is boring.I feel sorry for some one of your kind who has such a negative and boring personality. Best of luck trying to convince people of the "21ST CENTURY" on your views!↵ -
I live in the middle east with my arab husband and kids. My husband cooks, cleans and watches the kids.For my birhtday he bought me a car. Maybe you need to open up your mind. Were you abused by a women? Not all arabs are like that. Most arabs love the idea of women being independent. I am an american christin living with all muslims.I respect their ways and they respect mine. Thats all that really matters. RESPECT. Islam is not the problem, read thier holy book. S.A. is the only arab country like that.
All the muslims men I talk to think its crazy the way they treat the women there..↵ -
Eric, that was one of the most ignorant and repulsive things that I have EVER read, and being a teenage girl around many stupid teenage boys, that's saying something! I don't know about you, but the top 20 kids, ranking wise, in my class are all girls. I'm not saying the boys are stupid, but I am saying that women can work just as hard, or harder, then men. I don't know where you've been the last century (probably sitting stoned in some stupid room), but women have been growing more and more influential and important in the world around you! Open your eyes! You probably have some crappy job that no women would be stupid enough to take, and that's why you're unaware of women around you. I'm also going to throw another wild one out there- you're probably single too. I'm so sorry that there are stupid, self serving men like you out there that think they're better than women. Very saddening. And you know what? I'm only 15, and my thoughts and writing are already abviously more advanced than you. Did you ever learn to type? Feel like re-thinking your ignorant and incredibly stupid comment??
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i'm really sorry matt but you only saw what is not important i mean there are more other things that are more important than walking on the beach , i mean you been there for a week you didnt even meat with women and see how they felt about living like this .."as a 20 year old girl and living in the kingdom it's just like prison or worst , imagine that my 17 year old brother have the power over me beside my father of course " we have three monthes summer vication here in the kingdom i spend them all sitting at home while i have money to go to the place i want but they won't let me go ..every single day i feel so sad about this live i'm living , we all saudi women are living like slaves and cant do anything about it .
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You’re 20 years old and you choose to go to the Kingdom? So, don’t go. That’s a choice too, right? Stay where you are and enjoy your summer sans the misery.
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Women in the middle east are not treated unfairly the rules here are not strict at all .
In Bahrain we get to do almost anything . we have no problems at all.
we get to wear what ever we want; go where ever we want as women. Also work in high positions as well and are recognized when something is done.
We are respected greatly here, no man can even possibly think of touching or doing anything to insult us. You might be surprised by the things we have here. Dubai is in the middle east and is known the new york of middle east. Things are changing here and aren't as bad as it seems.↵ -
Hi, Im doing a senior global issues project and my topic is on Middle Eastern Women's Rights. Can you give me any information that might help? That would be great (:
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Nice article. By the way, I just came back from Saudi Arabia after a 2 week trip. It was my first time there and it was truly an experience. I am an American girl born and raised here by somewhat religious Muslim parents. When I was first going to Jeddah, i had forgotten to keep my abaya and hijab with me to change into. It was the most awkward thing ever, everyone kept staring at me. I wasnt even wearing revealing clothes, just my hair was showing. It felt strange, as it would to anyone who wasnt raised in that kind of society where such strict morals are placed on women. For my entire stay, I began wearing a hijab and abaya everytime I went out, It didnt occur to me to think twice before putting it on because I knew I had to. Saudi Arabia is a highly religious place, Its the birthplace of Islam and in Islam, it teaches that women should be modest in appearance so that translates to women wearing abayas to Saudi’s. In other Muslim countries, woman dont have to wear abaya or hijab, but atleast dress in non-revealing or tight clothes. Its all culture/religion. and some people are more strict about it than others, such as the Saudi’s. I dont wear hijab in everyday life, and I am a Muslim, and thats my choice. But in Saudi Arabia, the woman dont have a choice unless they want to be outcasted, I disagree with that but i dont consider hijab/abaya restrictive if its the womans choice to do so.
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In saudi I belive it would be difficult for a western woman to “tour” I work there on ocasion and it always leavs me un-easy. I think if you are a western woman and want to expierience arab culture ( sort of ) go first to UAE Dubai and abu dhabi are much more liberal. Visit sharja while there they have a very conservative cultue also. If you can stand it there go to saudi
If you take away the: Thobes,Abaya’s no alcchole, movie theators, well Saudi is not soo bad I am VERY happy I am a man though when I go Hope this helps Joe↵ -
I lived and worked in Saudi Arabia for 18 years and experienced the low mantality of how Saudi females are treated and exploited by Saudi men who think they are the masters for women to obey, any female objecting to this treatment is either beaten into submission or divorced.There are too many factors supporting the poor disrespectful way Saudi women are treated as second class citizens and the men use their personal Koran beliefs to support there actions and try to brain wash any female that has been educated to change.When you look at history in many Western style Countries a lot of change has come from the women, so in Saudi Arabia the educated females need to unite and have the courage to challenge the barbaric mantality of men against females,it will be very costly and there wll be many loss of lives amongst women ,but the whole western world would support them in their actions and I am sure the Saudi Government will buckle to public International opinion and only then changes will be made. The Saudi men will never willingly change as they have their cake and eat it ,so why spoil a good thing, but with that attitude it will always show Saudi Arabia to be a third world Country with too much money from oil revenue to give the impression they respect there women when in actual fact they are abusing them and the whole International world is becomming aware.So if Saudi females want respect from men stand up for your rights and stop hiding behind your abiya and being content with being treated like a second class citizen, have the courage of your convictions to bring change,just look at Bahrain a short trip across the causeway to see how Muslim women play a much more active roll in society and have the freedom of expression in a mixed environment which has gained them respect from their men.
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Hi, I think that what is going on in Saudi Arabia is absalutley appaling Men have deemed them selves superior and women are like slaves to enjoy and exploite cruelly. If a women is a victim of rape, then she will get prosecuted, not th emen who actually do it. It will be her fault because she was near a man at the time. I think that change needs to happen fast. Women can not vote, drive cars and only 5% of the workforce in Saudi Arabia is made up of women. Women have no voice, they must only serve their husbands till they die. Males are deemed superior in everyway but with out us women they can not live, we give birth to them, we nourture them when they are babies, we obey them when they are our husbands.
Oh and Eric, just think again when you say that it is acceptable for women to be treated like this.↵ -
I don’t actually think it makes the men happier either. This is a misconception. My bestfriend/roommate is from a middle eastern country. She’s lovely. When her parents moved here, they were traditional. Now they’re just like any other westernized family.
They always invite me over, and her mom is stuffing delicious home cooked food down my throat and telling me to fatten up. They love to tell me about what it was like back home, and how much happier they are here. Her dad loves that his wife goes to work, and earns money too (although she still is ALWAYS the one to cook). They love each other. He loves that she is happy. He is happier that she is happy… and really, what man is that opposed to seeing a little female flesh?
I think the men/boys there are, in a way, oppressed too. It must be so confusing to grow up in a society where looking at female flesh is an evil sin. You are responsible – COMPLETELY responsible – for your wife and daughters. That must feel like a burden. A loss of freedom. A terrible strain. They have to spend their lives attached to someone who is an unequal sub-human, and maybe even unhappy because of it. You never get to appreciate the beauty/appeal/charm of a women who is shrowded in black and obediance all the time. They’re losing out.
My bestfriend, born and raised here, is seriously the most awesome girl ever. It’s hard to believe that under those burkas are sassy, intelligent teenaged girls, just like she could have been.
Peace out to any Saudi girls reading this, us girls in the West are rooting for you!
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