Sometimes sleeping in a hostel can feel like a brave new experience. Here’s a few ways to make it more pleasant.
We can all get over Acoustic Guitar Guy playing Jack Johnson in the corner.
We intrinsically know that the older dude from Montreal is going to fart in his sleep. And we accept that the front desk lady is going to lie about not having quarters, even though she has seven left in the drawer.
However, there are things that can be done to make a hostel more tolerable.
Photo by 733.
Your Peppercorn Is Not Wanted Here
I’ve nearly fainted while standing in an overheated kitchen, waiting for a place to cook Ramen Surprise. One man’s opinion: There’s just no need to make Coq Au Vin on a Bunsen Burner.
If you’re a backpacking gourmet, plan ahead and do whatever you can to make it speedier than Rachel Ray on trucker speed.
And please, stop scoffing at my meal while you’re braising your venison. Those bedbug’s track marks are inches from your spatula, just like the rest of ours.
Don’t Be A Ziplock Mary
Let’s get this straight: No matter how hard you try, a year’s supply of socks cannot be repackaged into a cubic centimeter.
Especially at the crack of dawn, when everyone is trying to catch some shuteye. Accept it: Your peas are going to touch your mashed potatoes. It’s 4am and we’re trying to sleep. Just cut the crap.
Photo by stuhaigh.
Gateway’s Drug
Sure the lobby computer is a gigantic piece of shit but it’s OUR gigantic piece of shit, filled with viruses, spyware and a cookie history that’s often criminal. This is not the time to install Worlds Of Warcraft or write an essay about Bungy Jump At Nevis.
Get on the computer, do your thing and get off. And please people, remember - Facebook is not the internet. It’s Facebook.
TV Room Hogs
Straight Up. You could just as easily take your lazy ass to a hammock and listen to Ben Harper there. This room is sacred - be cognizant of the fact that not everyone wants to marathon the Lethal Weapon films while you drink tallboys and intermittently fall asleep.
Surely there’s a Friends marathon going on at a nearby cafe, where you can wrap yourself in your sarong and order Pad Thai without shrimp.
Photo by nest hostels valencia.
That Isn’t Shampoo On The Floor
There’s a finite amount of soaping that one man can do in fifty minutes. We know what’s going on in there.
While we appreciate you not having seizures on the bunk above us, we also have to step into the shower after you and would appreciate some tidying up first. Use your brains, man.
Recognize Your Stank
It happens to everyone - laundry piles up. Employing The Pepsi Challenge on your socks is a good sign that you’re skunking the room.
Just because you Fabreeze your bra doesn’t meant that it will not smell like the jungle trek you’ve just left. A simple “hey does anyone else need to do laundry?” will usually find at least one other partner to help with funds and suds. Look at that - you’ve made another smelly friend.
Photo by denmar.
A Letter To The Guy Who Never Leaves The Room
Dear Sir. Why did you leave home? Don’t you get bored looking at the walls and repeatedly telling the story of your night dive on the Great Barrier Reef? How many times can you unpack and pack?
May I just have one moment alone here to collect my thoughts? You’ve been sitting indianstyle on your bunk for two days, reading The Davinci Code. There’s a whole other world out there, sir. Please?
Best Regards, Tom
Cushion Pushin
Oh, you two. We saw your snog session at the bar next door go from PG13 to NC17 in about four beers and two shots. We all know that you’re going to sneak into each other’s bunks in fifteen minutes.
As suggested in a recent article here, why to take it to a dark corner instead? There is no Invisibility Cloak for sex. You’re going to make The Noise and we’re all going to mock that noise for the rest of the week.
Photo by paper or plastic?.
Flip Employees A Brewski
They’re hostel workers, one click up the food chain from the guy who slits a cow’s throat before it is butchered.
We all know that they are going to spend their salary on weed and never make that trip to Nepal.
But still, they pick up our Twix wrappers and, well, worse. Even a pity bagel can make this person’s week. Pay it forward.
Any tips we missed? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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12 Comments... join the discussion!
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Good (and funny) points. Recently got back from two months of hosteling around EU so I can relate to them very well. Each hostel often is an adventure in itself.
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Hey, it's a hostel. There's gonna be late night drunken sex, smelly socks and chicks that can't pack all their shit away. Eat later or earlier, go out, why does a hostel need a TV anyway? Someone's gonna fart in their sleep and that girl talks in hers.
Get over it or go to a hotel.
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The author forgot a point — avoid bitter people like him! (Seriously — I picture a parent or teacher wagging their finger in my face as I read this. "Now don't do this… and don't do that….") I agree with Mark that you have to have reasonable expectations and it ain't gonna be perfect.
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Interesting article. The first time I read it through I thought it sounded rather bitter and angry, but on second glance it's actually quite funny.
One thing I'd like to add is that researching and booking the hostel ahead of time can greatly improve the experience. There are a lot of higher end hostels out there these days that have more amenities and private or semi-private rooms. They're not the cheapest, mind you, but in my experience you get what you pay for.
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Funny post. Re the shampoo bit, that's exactly why I wear flip-flops in the shower!
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Funny, funny post.
You forgot the chain saw snorer who starts up at 3am and then gets angry when you wake them up.
Or the person who cooks, and leaves the remnants of their last meal ALL OVER the kitchen counter top, sink and floor and have no intention of cleaning it up
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Great article. I lol'd a few times.
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-Ziplock Mary is unpleasant, but Crinkly Plastic Shopping Bag Mary is way worse. She takes just as long to pack and sounds like an maraca recital. Don't use the crinkly bags.
-There are two things that, once together, should not be separated: Room Full Of Sleeping People + Turned Off Lights. PLEASE bring a small flashlight or headlamp for dark hours.
-If someone at the hostel is sick or hurt, try to help them. I might have died once if not for help. I have a friend who might have died if not for help. I have another friend who might have died if not for help. I don't care if it's self-inflicted alcohol poisoning or should-have-gotten-the-vaccine malaria. You help someone who hasn't moved for awhile. It may cut into the fun, but the Cosmos will remember.
-Take action on overflowing garbage bins, especially in the bathroom. Nobody wants to deal with your used maxi pad tottering at the summit. Alert the staff or empty it yourself if worst comes to worse.
-When someone violates these rules, talk to them nicely. Don't yell or be passive aggressive. They may be new to hosteling, and a lot of things that seem like common-sense to us now actually took some time to learn at first. Take it from an American — you'll regret starting an unnecessary war.
Funny article. I haven't been irritated by all those things, but the noisy packers who take forever before dawn — arrrr!
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Very entertaining. Staying in a hostel is no different than living in a college dorm or with a sibling! I enjoyed my hostel experience in Edinburgh, Scotland last year. It was a lot fun to "mingle" with people from other countries. Great "hostel" atmosphere!
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dorm porn should be outlawed, can't they just sneak off to the broom cupboard or something?
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When I worked at a hostel the biggest peeve was people sleeping in the wrong bunk - nothing worse than someone showing up at reception saying there's someone sleeping in their bed and having to wake up the whole room to figure out who goes where.
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