Could he be #2 – The English Teacher? / Photo by Rene Ehrnhardt
From South America to Southeast Asia, from the Middle East to the Middle Kingdom, every town that sees tourists has one: the ex-pat bar.
It’s never hard to find your way there – all you need to do is follow the American music which is old enough to feel stale without being old enough to feel hip and look for a chalkboard sign advertising a European football match.
But no matter where you are, the same set of people manages to populate every one these ex-pat haunts, so read on to identify who’s who and save yourself some valuable mingling time.
1. The Overpaid Aid Worker
The aid worker / Photo MVHargan
You can easily pick out this character by the imported beer on his table and the way he litters his speech with acronyms: USAID, NGO, MFI, MPP.
If it’s a weekday night, he might nurse his beer while tapping away on his MacBook, shooting off emails to his friends in D.C., or maybe to the alumni listserve of a bastion of East Coast higher education.
This year he’s empowering women in Latin America, but two years ago he was working on democracy promotion in Bangladesh, and next year it’s off to Thailand to oversee microfinance development.
Is there any world problem this whiz can’t solve on a two-year contract, armed only with his cushy salary, company car, and housing stipend?
Before you get a chance to answer that, though, he will: there’s “real progress” being made at the “grass roots level” with his current initiative. Another European microbrew, please!
2. The English Teacher
This guy couldn’t get a job after college back home, so he’s managed to put to use the one qualification which will always make him stand out abroad: native English speaker.
You can find him sitting at the bar, taking shots of the local brand of firewater with one of his young female “private lessons” by his side. Sure, he can barely string a sentence together in a conversation, much less on paper, but he found the loophole in the system — his wonderfully Western face and accent!
He can barely string a sentence together in a conversation, much less on paper, but he found the loophole in the system — his wonderfully Western face and accent!
Now instead of stocking shelves back home, he’s got status overseas. Hey, that online TEFL degree was $200 and took a couple of weeks to finish, so give him some respect.
If the bartender knows his name, that means The English Teacher has probably been around long enough to let his rise in status get to his head, and he’s already progressed to the dreaded next stage of ex-patdom: The Wannabe Travel Writer.
If this is the case, no matter how nice he looks, avoid starting a conversation at all costs, unless you’re in the mood to spend your night listening to interminable stories about how much better Macchu Picchu was the way he did it.
3. The Diplomat’s Wife
The diplomat’s wife / Photo Ergo Martini
She shows up every night at five o’clock on the dot, ready for happy hour surrounded by the group of four ex-pat wives who make up the town’s Western high society network in its entirety.
The Diplomat’s Wife will without fail order the one martini on the menu, and will without fail mention how unfortunate it is that “you can’t even get a decent martini around here.”
She spends her days doing her best to avoid the fact that she no longer lives in the land of Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods by shuttling between the one grocery store which stocks imported goods and the one coffee shop which has made a few token efforts to imitate Starbucks.
Any conversation with The Diplomat’s Wife will inevitably come around to all the ways in which “the locals” make life difficult, from stalling the delivery of her shipped furniture to routinely botching her weekly hair and nail appointment.
4. The Idealist
The Idealist / Photo Lucky Tom
A young, doe-eyed recent grad, The Idealist can be found clutching the local bottom-of-the-barrel brew to show his solidarity with the people.
Don’t be fooled into thinking the backpacker in the corner with the Che shirt is The Idealist; no, The Idealist threw that shirt away after freshman year, when everyone else started wearing it, and instead sticks to his tried-and-true collection of ironically-named indie band tees.
If you want to start a conversation with The Idealist, casually mention that you’ve been looking into WWOOFing later in your trip – The Idealist has already WWOOFed in countries you can’t even find on a map and isn’t afraid to tell you all about it.
Plus, The Idealist has a friend of a friend who’s volunteering where you’re thinking of going right now! When not putting up postings for activist events on the community bulletin board, The Idealist can often be seen trying to strike up a conversation on grad programs with his future self, The Overpaid Aid Worker.
5. The Lifer
Nobody knows much of anything about The Lifer other than the fact that he’s been in town as long as anyone can remember.
Who is this leather-faced man, camped out on a stool which has over the years conformed to his shape, taking half-bottle gulps of the mid-range national beer between whisky shots?
He’s The Lifer, and nobody knows much of anything about him other than the fact that he’s been in town as long as anyone can remember.
Where does his money come from? How did he end up here? It’s all a mystery.
But one thing’s for sure, when The Lifer first came through town, that’s when “travel was real, man.”
The Lifer is good for a few amusing stories involving the ingestion of huge quantities of drugs which haven’t existed since the mid-80’s, but be careful: he’s not in any hurry to get anywhere, so you could be in for a long night.
6. The New Ager
The New Ager / Photo Frail Muse
The New Ager is hard to miss. She’s the one dressed up in the clothes which the locals import from India to sell to the tourists as “authentic native garb” and the necklace she bought at the market with a rock pendant that a street kid found on the ground and hawked to her as a “lifeforce crystal.”
The New Ager eschews soul-sucking alcohol altogether, and instead opts to sip gingerly on her herbal tea. A conversation with The New Ager might seem normal to begin with, but you won’t get very far before she casually mentions the fact that your aura is looking a little bit greenish today.
She’ll believe absolutely anything you can possibly make up, so long as you throw in something about indigenous peoples or Eastern religions, so go ahead, try her:
Has she heard that the wood of the bar top was specially crafted by a local medicine man out of a tree bark which cleanses the kidneys? No, but she’ll give it a lick to find out. Did she know that a certain sect of Buddhism teaches that when we stick our tongue to our nose, only then do we truly connect to God?
The New Ager’s way of looking deeply into your eyes and constantly using your name can be off-putting at first, but as you get deeper into your cups, she can become a valuable source of entertainment.
Any expat characters we missed? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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55 Comments... join the discussion!
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this article reads like it was written by a shallow, closed minded, idealist, wanna be travel writer. Definetly not the kidna guy you want to bump into at an expat bar. At least thats the way he comes off from writing this article.
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I agree, terrible closed minded article – when I travel I don't judge people, were all in the same boat. If someone is willing to sit down and chat to me than thats cool – no matter how some shallow article tries define them.
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close-minded AND angry. who looks at the world through those kind of eyes….and then calls themselves a travel writer? It's amazing how our inner world reflects what we see in the outer world.
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I really agree
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i agree stan. it could have been a very funny article because yes, all of the above is true in essence.. but it was so negative and such a rant… it just gave me a yucky feeling.
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Shallow, yes. Maybe, Matt has been through the ex-pat bar scence so much he's reverted to stereotypes?
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I think that's the tongue-in-cheek aspect…
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Haha, yes
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i guess you are right about certain facets of certain expats roaming bars in countries all over the world, but you forgot to mention that this is not all they are. which makes this article a little hurtful and cynical.
as for the overpaid aid worker could just as well be working somewhere in his homecountry as midscale manager of an advertisement firm, or a lawyer or whatever other job comes to your mind. get his pay and build up a family and maybe donate some money at christmas to the ngo the overpaid aid worker works for. this would be perfectly fine. but instead he is the aid worker (argueably being overpaid, but than you might have to define what a decent salary should look like).
i dont know if you meant what you said in this article, but taking you seriously i think you might be a little too idealistic. no jugdement. i myself am very idealistic at times, but reading your article i realized that this might be hurtful to people who have no harm in mind.
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I thought this post was hysterically funny. At one point or another I think I've been every character in there, except for the new-ager. Add "Blackberry" to "Macbook" and I'm currently a dead-ringer for the "overpaid Aid-Worker."
Silkroad – dude, it's all good. Don't take yourself so seriously.
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hahhaha oh man these are hilarious!
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Yep … I've met 'em all at some stage or another …
how about a few more …
The local gigolo who speaks with an Aussie/English/American accent (depending on where the majority of expats are from) and who makes a move on any available western woman in the bar.
The sent by his company, I've been everywhere, cynical expat with the local bar lass (just as cynical but not showing an ounce of it) hanging off his every word.
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Meh. Slightly funny.
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And those precise 6 people are some of the reasons I don't go to expat bars.
thanks for the smile
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Oh chuckle, chuckle…nice and cynical, just the way I like it! Absolutely fabulous entertaining read. I think you missed a few types, but that's for another article…!
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The in-your-face cynicism of this article could be mitigated by acknowledging that whatever the stereotypes of ex-pats you run into abroad, they are each bound by a common denominator: a desire to break out of the mold and see the world, learn other cultures, and translate that knowledge into action either internally or on the world stage. Which is better than sitting in a cubicle all day then coming home and watching Fox news on TV, right?
The article was entertaining, but ending as it did, it makes me wonder which holier-than-thou stereotype the author would ascribe to? My bets are on “idealist.”
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the thing is…that’s sadly not always true. people a bit like #5 crop up often in big cities, and many of them are there for sex, drugs, and rock n roll. ive had some pretty miserable conversations with expats who not only could care less about the locals and their culture, but use the people purely for their own pleasure.
that, to me, is the number one depressing thing about expat bars. and why i try to steer clear of them.
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I thought this was pretty funny.
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Great concept for an article, and the writing pulled me through the whole thing, but the author seems to disdain every single one of these character types. So why does he go to expat bars in the first place?
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To the people who are calling this piece cruel, mean-spirited, narrow-minded, etc: Haven't we all not only MET these people, but BEEN these people at one time or another? So really, we're not laughing at others – we're laughing at ourselves. Y'all might want to try it some time.
And speaking as a diplomat's daughter… "The Diplomat's Wife" is SCARILY accurate. Scarily!
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Thank you for that…
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hilarious but i've never met the dipolmats wife!
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Ha ha, the ones on the diplomat wife and the new ager..are really hillarious..sounded almost real except you are making the diplomat wife sounds like the local newly rich elitist women and the new agers sounded like they've never read any book on ways to travel smart in 3rd World country. A good read though…thanks
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Hmm! never go to expat bars, so wouldn't know an expat if it poured a drink over my head!
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Spot on characterizations! I got a good laugh reading this one. I especially love the Overpaid Aid Worker and Idealist – is this how so many Peace Corps volunteers end up working for USAID?!
I'd add the business expat and business expat's wife (plus the gaggle of friends) to the mix. Hope this is just one article of a series.
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"Has she heard that the wood of the bar top was specially crafted by a local medicine man out of a tree bark which cleanses the kidneys? No, but she’ll give it a lick to find out." I HAVE been and still am all of these people. even the diplomats wife. for real. and after going through every stage of the travel process I am now a full fledged … gentleman loafer. we should create a leveling hierarchy based loosely on World of Warcraft …
lemme see:
we need overseas rock star, petty hustler (always doin biz, never done any), company man (similar to overpaid aid worker but w/local wife and kids), rowdy angry self loathing drunkard … umm … involved lifer (young and ambitious, forever starting clubs and sports teams), and perhaps the true pimp, who has it all figured out, big money, cool, everybody knows him/her and his home life is not dysfunctional and he speaks the language but dont flaunt it. this person often appears out of the ashes of all the other characters above.
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Yeah, must say I found the cynicism more sad than humorous. My opinion improved when I saw that Matthew is the English Teacher – the piece needed that self-deprication.
As a 25+ year traveller, I find I enjoy everyone's story, and I can relate to the various stages of learning and experiencing adventure, travel and culture. And Matthew, you missed me – I always find geo-types in these places – geologists, geophysicists, explorers. The so-called developing world is our playground.
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The responses to this post — which was light hearted and fun — make me want to stay at home, especially if I'm going to run into this sort of overearnestness at bars abroad. I'm all for appreciating diversity and people for their own sake, but seriously, lighten up. Typcasting for laughs has been around since Theophrastus, 2,350 years ago. Enjoy it.
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Ha ha ha! The "New Ager" is the most annoying kind. Coming from a tourist ridden city like Benares, I see them everywhere! At times they are so caught up in their own mystical charms they forget to see the logic in some simple rituals.
The "Idealist" is a territory you don't want to go into either…I personally once got into a conversation which ended up lasting for 3hrs which consisted of utter crap about what was wrong with the system and how we can change it! Hello, we like out system…leave it alone!
Damn good article…You forgot the "Wannabe yoga teacher" and the "Religious Chameleon".↵ -
What about the sex-pat? The expat who has slept with every member of the same/opposite (or both) sex in his/her community?
Or was that just me?
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who are these people?
I have lived all over the world and seem to unfortunately gravitate to the expat hang outs. Why – because those of us who always travel for work seem to like the same people – doesn't matter where we orginatedThat said – these are the usual suspects to me:
- PhD students
- Investment bankers, portfolio managers, other money-business types
- The wives and husbands of the above (usually formally some kind of designer, writer, or artist, see below)
- Artists, writers, photographers and other creative freelancers
- Occasional creative professionals working for big multinationals: ie graphic and fashion designers, music & film exec's
- NGO professionals, much like the bankers, but with more "idealistic" goals.
- once in a blue blue blue moon I meet someone doing absolutely nothing but living abroad – ie: they qualify as something as described in initial article. such as: english teacher, spiritual seeker, ideal thinker, etc. These people as described in the article above only seem to exist in the great travel imagination. Or maybe they tend to integrate more and NOT hang out at the expat bar.Just a thought.
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So very true! I've long since compiled the very same list in my head. I'd add, unfortunately, the pedophiles who sit alone or with one of their creepy mates talking to the street kids who come in to sell things. And also people (like me) who are actual teachers with experience, higher degrees in applied linguistics and/ or education, and an actual interest in education but still have to compete with backpacker "teachers" for jobs until we can get into the local universities.
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You will find these 6, plus many more at Kampala Backpackers or Bubbles O’leary, in Uganda. So true!
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Love it!
Here are some more:
- The Student/Intern: manged to scam a school/fund into investing in a “study” which inexplicably revolves around getting drunk every night
- The Missionary: no matter how drunk you get, you do *not* want to talk with him/her
- The Tourists: all the other expats look at them scornfully, having moved up the expat status ladder a whole two months earlier
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yes I was thinking of this one as well! The expats who glare at the tourists and give off a negative vibe to all those who dare enter their territory!
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Very funny and nail-on-the-head accurate. And I say this as an ‘Overpaid Aid Worker’, but really, I promise, I AM making a differance! (Sarcasm is hard to communicate in text). Anyway, one possible addition is ‘The Presidents Nephew’ – hiding from the shame of having property appropriated on his behalf, by drinking it up with all the aforementioned expats, before hoping into his untaxed mercedes to calculate how big a donation will be neccessary to get him into Oxford.
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Number 5 is a close relative, if not the present-day version, of the Remittance Man, that figure from Maugham and Conrad. His distinguished family is paying him handsomely to stay out of England (never Scotland or Wales, for some reason). He resigned his commission in a well-known regiment after a bit of bother – a dud cheque, perhaps, or cheating at cards, or fooling with the mistress of Royalty….
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So I guess that makes the author a Wanna-Be Travel Writer? I was looking forward to this article, and towards the end, I was at least expecting some sort of all-around compliment to travelers or something to tie them all together in a positive light. The author seems to loathe anyone in an ex-pat bar. This article was merely mildly funny at times, negative, and cynical. Negativity and cynicism have their place, but don’t any of these folks have redeeming qualities? My aura now feels gray, and I don’t feel so good about my TEFL certificate or my Indie Band T’s.
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Hahaha.
You got me pegged as the English Teacher and Wannabe Travel Writer. I had to laugh out loud.
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I want the diplomats wife gig ….. but without being a whiner ………
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The Short-Timer: often a lawyer or consultant on a 6 month to 1 year (temporary) assignment. S/he didn’t want to be here in the first place, and every statement seems to be a comparison of the locals vs. “how we did it back home.” Always dressed in business clothes, and always with a story about how stupid it is that you can’t get _____ like you did back home. Often counting the days until their return back to the good ol’ USA.
After 5 years living in Europe, a lot of these seem vaguely familiar.
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awesome! Great article.
dont forget the former colonists that are always complaining about how worse it is now…yet usually found with a young local “friend” off his arm.
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Brilliant writing. But let’s not forget the whore monger who lets his best friend, Benjamin Franklin, buy the girls attention long enough for him to pretend that he actually has some semblance of charm.
In Costa Rica the locals use to say that the Xpats were either the “Wanted” or the unwanted.
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Sorry, kids, it’ll be hard to find the new-ager in a bar…they’ll be busy drumming up support for the indigenous-dancing-meditation-ayurvedic-om-to-amma ritual happening down the street.
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Thought you might like this fun quiz.
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Brilliant piece of analysis.
I can think of several bars like that off the top of my head. But the #1s, #2s and #5s I know are all WOMEN! And I don’t know any #6. But here are a few others — #7 — embassy/consulate staff looking to get laid, #8 — shady businessman, everyone thinks they’re a weapons dealer, #9 entry-level, low-paid development worker, on internship, or short-term consultancy, trying to get a foot in the door to #1….
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Pat : Agreed! I saw the same thing in Costa Rica! Lol.
Annette: That is funny how they phrase #1,#2, and #6 as male characters.
How does one become an overpaid aide worker anyway ? That sounds like a sweet gig. ~Amanda B.
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I thought that this was great and not mean spirited. Having just returned from several years in the Middle East, I have met my share of aging spirit chanelers, sprout heads, trust fund babies and out and New Age nut jobs. While I rarely go to ‘expat’ bars and such, having reached a certain age, I am sad that the true spirit of travel has all but disappeared, that being curiosity and adventure. Sadly, the world has become more homogenized, as it has become virtually impossible to find places where there are not recent grads traveling on their parents dime, or gaggles of recently discharged Israeli soldiers doing the grand tour at staying at Israeli sanctioned B&B while haggling with impoverished families to to make an honest dollar, and staying with other obnoxious Israelis. I am glad that began to travel before mass tourism. computers, and American consumerism were exported and embraced around the world.
Great article, as I had a good laugh. All too true, as the overpaid NGO/AID worker and New Ager hit home, as the ‘Princes of Poverty’ should truly be ashamed. having met Peace Corps people who are perpetually stoned while polishing up their resumes for government jobs back home. Thanks.↵ -
Intresting information for the expats here.
Thanks for sharingSandra
asian expat.↵ -
True!
I used to bartend and can verify that there are lifers ( #5 ) EVERYWHERE . I’ve worked at a high end club and a dive and there were lifers at each one.↵
