Holy man / Photo: lylevincent
Negative cultural experiences can sour our joy of people. But it’s these critical moments of uncertainty that determine whether or not we cling rigidly to our perceptions or plunge forward into new territory.
During my recent solo trip to India, I found myself thinking about the darker side of traveling – the sense of distrust, alienation, and confusion that can result from negative or disturbing experiences with another culture or traveler.
These thoughts came to me as I walked along the ghats in Varanasi. I’d been in India for less than 48 hours. Already I was joyfully immersed, but I’d also never felt so unsure of who to trust.
It wasn’t long before a male Sadhu (holy man) accosted me and made grotesque sexual advances. Without realizing it, I’d decided Sadhus were not to be trusted.
Later, a female Sadhu with an unflinching stare and a wide smile walked with me along the ghats. I grew uneasy in her presence and turned down an invitation (made with hand gestures) to go to her temple. At the last minute, I changed my mind. I ended up participating in a puja (worship), which now stands out amongst my most interesting experiences in Varanasi.
I realized that my fears had been unfounded – she’d had good intentions. But how was I to know how to distinguish between the false and the friendly?
The Threat Of Uncertainty
When frequent and intense interactions with strangers are combined with a lack of stable social support, our sense of safety can be challenged. The exhilaration of endless possibility can morph into threatening uncertainty.
Our species is a social one, and thus we are forced to learn and re-learn about social trust and safety in our everyday lives.
Of course these challenges aren’t always related to travel. Our species is a social one, and thus we are forced to learn and re-learn about social trust and safety in our everyday lives. For these critical moments of uncertainty can determine whether or not we withdraw and cling rigidly to our perceptions or plunge forward into new territory despite our fears.
In the development of these skills, travel presents particularly difficult challenges – but the rewards can be vast.
What exactly tries our sense of trust and openness while we’re traveling? First, being in a new culture forces us to work harder to establish an initial sense of trust with local people.
Unable to understand cultural nuances, we must rely on facial expressions and body language, and recall abstract information we’ve absorbed from a book or a person. Local con-artists are quick to exploit this with false smiles which can fool even the most experienced travelers.
The Shock Of Deceit
Whatever the case, negative experiences can drain a person of their energy and enthusiasm for a place or culture. We may become bitter, withdraw, and experience feelings of anger and disappointment.
Begging woman / Photo: gregor_y
No matter how many people tell you beforehand to watch out for the tuk-tuk drivers in Bangkok or warn you of the false friendliness of the store owners in Varanasi, many of us have found ourselves in precisely the situations we were warned of.
We are duped, and if we imagine it happening again and again, this tends to fuel our feelings.
In the midst of navigating through strange physical and cultural territory, we often turn to other travelers or expats for relief.
One of the great joys of traveling is the opportunity to meet and share experiences with people from all over the world. Conversations flourish as we meet other excited travelers, opening ourselves up in ways that we might never do at home.
I’ve had unforgettable conversations and intense adventures with people I hardly knew, simply because of the open heart and spirit of adventure that so many travelers have.
But what happens when things go wrong? When you open up to someone who turns out to have ulterior motives, is dishonest or disrespectful? The sense of community, bonding, and intimacy is jeopardized. Feeling naive, we begin to question our ability to sense other people’s motivations.
A Woman’s Challenge
Women are bound to encounter more difficulty in establishing straightforward relationships with both locals and expats.
In India, I found that it just was not possible to be “friends” with an Indian man – even saying hello and making eye contact was seen as an invitation for sexual attention. In other places, such as South America, it can be outright dangerous to make eye contact, let alone speak with a man.
As female guests in certain cultures, we are aware that any interaction with a local man may lead to a negative experience.
In some ways, this makes interactions simpler, but it also belies a sadness. As female guests in certain cultures, we are aware that any interaction with a local man may lead to a negative experience. Our only option, then, is to ignore them.
I’ve seen and heard of women who do meet the exceptions. I wonder what barriers these women came up against in establishing that rapport.
For much of my time spent in Varanasi, I felt quite raw – I’d had some negative experiences with locals, and had found that a new male expat friend was not someone to be trusted or respected.
I often had to withdraw and rest – I found that my continuous suspicion of people, my feelings of powerlessness and insecurity, were draining. Yet I kept on going – I continued to meet new people, reminded myself to keep an open heart, and reconciled myself with the culture and other travelers.
The Payoff
I won’t lie and say that this was easy. But it was worth it.
Looking back on my time spent in Varanasi, I realize how much I learned about myself and about our species. As humans, we take risks every day when we open ourselves up to other people. Unfortunately, many people who are willing to take advantage of that, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Our greatest task is to learn how we relate to others, why we relate to them in a certain way, and how our ways of relating affect not only ourselves and our intimates, but the entire world.
What do you think of the challenges of trust abroad? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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11 Comments... join the discussion!
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Nicely said. Varnasi can be a pretty rough place, whatever your gender.
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I don;t think it;s just south america! I get women ignoring all the time in the uk.
Just joking!! You have to understand that you seem very different to these people…. to actually believe they’d act any other way would be naive.
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Fantastic article.
As far as South America goes, I think it just depends on where you go. Many places are “worldly” enough that it isn’t too terrible for women as far as getting unwanted attention.
Good for you for not letting that first negative experience sour your trip! I suppose the other way around could be worse: being showered with kindness and falling into such a comfort zone that you’re easily taken advantage of.
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Well written article and being an Indian, I can say that I truly understand the kind of experience you have had at Varanasi. To tell the truth it is not one of the most friendly places of India, even for an Indian traveler, especially a woman traveler.
Having said that I also feel many people who come to this country are already biased upon certain aspects of the culture…you can never learn and appreciate another country if you keep your mind alreaady clogged with negative thoughts.Like you said, keeping an open mind to discovering new things is the key.
I appreciate your effort to creating a positve outlook towards travelling to unknown cultures and destinations.↵ -
Great article. I was just discussing these things with some foreigner friends here in Bangladesh. The staring and street harassment is similar to India. I find it hard to be trustworthy of foreign men after a very scary experience in South America. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try to engage, I have learned when to tell when someone is curious and genuine or when I am being sexualized. I can’t tell you a specific sign, it’s all instinct and eye contact. I still am wary and initially uncomfortable, the scars from South America run too deep, but you gotta just try.
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Thank you for this article. It resonates with me and my travels (limited to Latin America) as a woman. The pendulum swings from “what a great experience!” to, “Oh-no, this is getting out of control” and back with each encounter. Some truly wonderful experiences have come with an uncomfortable, even dangerous price tag. It is a mix of trust, cultural understanding, misunderstanding, curiosity, fear, danger…but I still keep going back and look forward to the next opportunity to travel.
Your article is a wonderful reminder of this process and the emphasis on our very human social nature is so true.↵ -
Wonderful!
I had never visited this blog, and I just arrived to my usual life, after a two week vacation in south America. I was warned (specially by my father) that Colombia was such a dangerous place to go, but it was just fantastic! I really apreciate all the love that I was given by the colombians!
Such a beautiful experience, they want you to see the beautiful part of the city but you cant turn your head away to the poor part of the country (because if theres a problem in Colombia is not about violence, in my tourist point of view, though theres an internal war because of drugs). In the maginificent boutique hotel I stayed I was in a bubble, but once your out, your experiencing real life, it was magnificent! The contrasts, the people, the history, the music, the old city of Cartagena, WOW!
heres the link of the hotel, its gorgeous:
http://www.casablancabyb.com/↵ -
I had an experience in southern Mexico (Puerto Chiapas near the Guatemalan border) 2 years ago. Id been driving all over Mexico with another friend and we let our guard down that night. We free camped everywhere we went (Im too cheap for hotels and retarded camping sites full of other “foriegners”) and we freecamped at a local beach but waaaay away from everyone. I also made the bad decision to not sleep in a tent. Long story short, I was grabbed in the night with a shank to my throat and the fight ensued. I got him off of me but not before being stabbed in the arm and my nose sliced. My buddy jumped out of the car with a machete and chased him off.
Now that Im gearing up for a lonnnng (2+ years) solo trip driving as far as Panama (possibly further into Colombia and beyond) the fear is still with me. I integrate heavily with the population and it actually hurts me to know that I must have a guard up all the time while traveling. I love to get involved with the people and now I have to pick and choose and that bothers me. Its also scary knowing I will be solo this time around and no one to save me with a machete. That night could have gone much different had my friend Joe not been there.
You have to make it a belief in your core (especially if your American due to our news/propoganda) that not everyone in the world is out to get you. In fact, the majority of the world are good people and would love to meet you and help you. Its hard to remember and stay calm when your sitting in a govt hospital at 3am getting stiched up from the guy that just tried to kill you.
Later that morning I had an amazing experience at the border (canceling my permit for Mexico so we could enter Guatemala). I met a series of people that changed my outlook and it made ahuge difference. To Marion who owns Chalet Tony in Panajachel and her friend Midge, we had an amazing trip in Guatemala. They invited us to stay for a week and took care of us and especially me. After clearing papers, Joe and I decided we wanted tacos so we walked across the street and hit up a small 4 table place in some ladies home. She was litteraly a replica of my grandmother (except mine had more teeth hehe) and she was so sweet, my fear melted away like butter. Ill never forget that lady and the people I met that day at the border.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OAlpLK6maY
thats the video of Guatemala and the after effects of the stabbing
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I am a woman who always travels alone. I prefer to go alone because you met so many more people that way. I had an experience in Mexico that was so horrible it would cause most travelers to swear off travel forever. The story is at: http://www.searchingforfernando.wordpress.com It didn’t leave me tramatized. In fact, it only made me stronger. Nothing scares me anymore.
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