Photo: Randy Wick
The quest for what brings happiness is eternal. At least seems that way.
Swept up in the notion that life is meant to be happily lived, many of us often struggle with what it means to be happy on any given day. Am I feeling good at this moment? Was I feeling better yesterday? Why can’t I get to that balanced state of bliss?
Ah, yes, the “balanced state of bliss.” What in the world could that possibly imply? Some sort of a delusion, at least on my part. After a better part of my childhood and 20s fraught with depressive tendencies, I feel a daily pull of that which remains, on some levels, an enigma. Which gives me full appreciation for something I recently read on the Happiness Project blog:
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned (through a decade of practice with Zen Buddhism) is that melancholy is perfectly normal – it’s neither happy nor unhappy – and it’s all right to walk slowly through it.
Sometimes, I feel with all the positive affirmations, law of attractions, and 2012s being thrown around, we are forced, in a way, to feel “happy” all of the time. Even when we don’t. It’s as if sadness, anger, and discomfort have become four letter words that we beat to a bloody pulp as if they were a rabid raccoon attacking our child.
Here at Matador, we’ve searched far and wide for the ingredients to happiness, best summed up in Carlo Alcos’ piece, 5 Key Ingredients in the Search for Happiness. He found that introspection, freedom, compassion, generosity, and contentment were all necessary aspects for happiness.
But can’t these just as easily be ingredients of melancholy? And is that necessarily a bad thing?
To be human is to feel all the emotions available on the spectrum. I sometimes want to cry out that to accept where you are right at this moment is to be free. The problem comes in when those emotions, whether happiness or sadness, take over. Then we are no longer who we are – we have instead become the emotion.
The Absolute End of Happiness
Photo: | spoon |
Within the context of feeling happiness is necessary all of the time comes the idea that death is looming to take life, happiness, and – as Ian MacKenzie recently explored with filmmaker Patrick Shen – meaning away.
We all only have a set amount of time here, and we best power-pack it full of smiles, giggles, and moments of perfection.
A recent post over at the New York Times contemplates these beliefs around life (and death). Author Todd May explores our fear of death, as it “extinguishes” the light of our future, which we are programmed as humans to be constantly striving for.
But May argues for the validity and awareness of death in truly living life:
It is equally true that a life without limits would lose the beauty of its moments…this is the paradox death imposes upon us: it grants us the possibility of a meaningful life even as it takes it away.
He continues, “we cannot live forever, to be sure, but neither would we want to,” and I believe the same is true for happiness. Would I want to be happy forever? No, because then I could not truly understand what it means to be happy.
And though I believe fully in shooting for a middle-ground, and understand how important this is for the sake of mental health, I also revel in the ups and downs that the universe hands me (or I hand myself?) as a way to feel fully alive.
We can’t get rid of death (well, according to most, though Jason Silva disagrees), and by the same token, we can’t get rid of melancholy. The question is, why do we continue to fight so hard against both?
Do you think sadness or melancholy should be avoided at all costs? Share your thoughts below.
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17 Comments... join the discussion!
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Sadness and melancholy are always going to happen in everyone’s life it is impossible to live a normal life without them. They are normal healthy human emotions, if you don’t experience them, you are either a liar or a psychopath, it is as simple as that….!
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“Would I want to be happy forever? No, because then I could not truly understand what it means to be happy.” Amen to that.
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Happiness, anger, fear and sadness are like different sides of an argument. We need the full palette not only to appreciate the more pleasant emotions, but to have a sense of authenticity for our experience of life.
I see it as a balance, between the reality of the moment and the ability to function in it. Living in a giddy Disneyland sterilized of other emotions is artifical and insipid, while looking at the ugliness full-on is demoralizing and unpleasant. Both options narrow your perspective and range of choices.
Whatever I get, make it real – but leave me the power to choose how I take it on. Getting trapped in one emotion or another is soul-deadening.
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Thank you for this. Definitely needed to be said. American culture is far too obsessed with happiness and self — improvement. Leaves so many feeling that something is wrong with them, or they haven’t quite got it right.
All you need to do is read great poets like Rilke or Neruda to see that a life fully lived and felt involves melancholy and grief, as well as joy.
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Beautiful post Christine. Thank you.
I believe that happiness isn’t the only choice. In fact, I don’t think it’s always the ideal choice. To rid ourselves of experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, we take away the opportunity to live in the present. By leaning into the emotion, whether sad, angry, or joyful we exist mindfully and find that balance of bliss. It’s not always culturally acceptable to lean into our despair, but it’s the only way I’ve learned to healthily go through it and come out the other side happier. Otherwise, suffering ruminates, lingering in secret places.
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NO!!
Sadness and melancholy are a necessary part of life. You can’t appreciate the highs unless you experience the lows.
I think the relevant point here is that the sadness and melancholy should be “walked through” rather than allowing them to become normal states.
I see death from a different perspective than you. Rather than as life being taken away from us, I see it as just another part of life, rather like moving from one home to another (this being our temporary home – there being our permanent home). How we view death has a HUGE impact on how we live life. It’s worth really investigating to ascertain your own beliefs. It may make all the difference.
Live Life Happy!
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I think that real happiness doesn’t preclude sorrow and misery and in fact affirms them when they arise. I believe that happiness is a kind of balance struck by the body and soul–an individual integrity, a kind of grace in a transient world–not just giggles and laughs. Avoiding sadness is an act by one unhappy person because someone who is centered, accepts the demands of the real, and is truly happy is aware of the tragic force implicit in existence.
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Beautiful post Christine.
It should be okay to feel whatever you feel without having to apologize for it.
Accept it, on some days you will feel sad no matter what. Just like at times you’ll be full of optimism and joy despite the situation. You’d have to be a cyborg for it to be otherwise.
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There seems to be this big backlash now reacting to the last years of constant positive thinking. People are unhappy — and justifiably so — because they think there’s something wrong with being unhappy.
I recently saw Barbara Ehrenreich on the Daily show talking about her latest book “Bright Sided” where she specifically spoke about how telling someone, particularly if they’re dealing with a serious illness like cancer, to try to see the positive actually does more harm than good.
I also hear people say all the time how they feel they should be happy. They have everything they need in life, a good family, good friends. They’re safe, comfortable, etc, but they’re just not happy. And yes, sometimes the cause of this is the idea that they should be happy all the time, I think many times it stems from people living a life without properly tending to their libidos.
I don’t mean sex, I mean passion and desire, which can relate to many things other than sex.. It’s so easy to fall into patterns in life where you’re doing what you should be doing, but if there’s no passion, it is very difficult to be happy.
Thanks for this article, Christine. It obviously brings up many varied and interesting threads for discussion.
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Thanks everyone for your thoughtful and varied comments.
Lola, I too was in a melancholic mood yesterday (though nothing was wrong, and I wasn’t sad), which was certainly inspiration for contemplating this subject area.
Daniel, you hit the nail on the head taking the position that the issue is not about feeling emotion, but rather getting trapped in it.
Simone, absolutely, and I think poets and writers show us best what beauty can come from melancholy or even the dark edge of depression.
Nancy, it is so true that on the one hand, we often hear we should live in the moment, and on the other, that we should “attract” positivity all of the time. Too bad the two don’t always work together.
Jacqueline, I actually agree with you about death; in the article, I was speaking about it more from Todd May’s and most of Western culture’s point of view (that there is one life). I believe this is just one go-around, and we are hear to learn as much as we can from it.
Leigh, fantastic, fantastic point – people lose their passions and desires in the day-to-day grind, and often have a hard time finding, or even looking for, them again. Imagine a world that made sure we tasted at least a little of our passions every day?
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Great article.
I think a lot of times we’re presented with these two extremes, deliriously happy or depressingly sad. And that’s it, either one of the other. To me having balance in life means being able experience whatever emotion you’re feeling, without chastising yourself for it.
I consider myself generally happy, but there are days when I’m not. And the worst thing to hear when you’re feeling melancholic is how you should be feeling happy. That usually brings on another emotion… rage.
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A very good insight on happiness. It can be a choice or it could be not. Recently, I had a shot at trying to define it in a more “scientific” or “objective” way, despite it being a subjective feeeling. But this mght entice you: What is happiness? ; What do you think about this definition? Thank you, Nick
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Wish I had read this before writing this piece, but it is worth a read for those that have time:
http://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/385/through_a_glass_darkly?page=1
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Great post Christine…as you probably know it’s something that I often think about. My earlier post you mention wasn’t really about how to find happiness and be “blissful” forever, but more to bring awareness to our tendencies to look for it in the wrong places.
Absolutes don’t work with us, because life is relative. So yes, we need the emotional gamut. In fact, I enjoy reveling in sadness and loneliness sometimes…listening to sad music.
I’ve been meaning to write a sort of follow up to that piece (a kind of the other side of the coin thing), but haven’t had time lately. Will have to get on that!
For some reason, I don’t think many cultures discuss happiness to the extent that we do. They just live their lives.
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Hi Christine, I’ve been reading your articles and I like your style. Keep on being philosophical. I really appreciated this one especially. Thanks for it.
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Thanks Marea! I’ll try my best
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