Surrounding yourself with supportive people gives you a chance to thrive, but can the “wrong” people also help you grow?
Photo: Wonderlane
Mom always said it’s important to hang out with the right people.
Well, not my mom, of course – she’s a bit anti-social. But you know, moms in general. And I have no doubt that mine at least hoped that the people I decided to hang out with would not be hoodlums and dark-side types.
As I find myself reading a few blogs lately about surrounding yourself with the “right people,” I can’t help but wonder exactly what that means. I understand these authors are saying that the people in your life should support you, be positive lights of energy, and help in guiding or lifting you to the next level. But what exactly is the protocol here?
D. Paul Reilly tackles this subject in his recent article at the Nassau Guardian, Surround Yourself With the Best. He states:
…For someone to continue to have a happy, successful, and indeed contented life, I honestly believe, that a person needs to have friends who are literally on the same ‘Wavelength’ so to speak, as he or she is; a person who is for the most part positive, enthusiastic, and upbeat for most of the time.
Alright, I can dig it. Upbeat is good, and feeling this way propels us forward.
Havi Brooks over at The Fluent Self takes the idea a bit further. She notes in her post, Re-explaining the Right People thing, that surrounding yourself with the right people is key, but that this doesn’t mean there are “wrong” people, or that some of us are the “chosen” ones. Everyone’s got their right people, which makes everyone a right person for someone else.
We just have to figure out who our right people are:
It’s not about exclusion. It’s about discernment…When I surround myself with stuff/people/concepts that are loving and supportive, it makes it easier for me to be the kind of person who can have love and support in her life.
More sentiments I can stand behind. Yet, what I can’t help but wonder is how often our preconceived notions block out people that could be fantastic allies or even a simple growth instigator? (Like that term? I may trademark it).
What if Wrong is Right?
Photo: Wonderlane
I can honestly say one of the reasons I’m so drawn to travel is that I find myself more open to people that might be considered “wrong” for me than I would at home. Given, they may actually be the “right people,” just not obvious to the naked eye.
But if we are closed off to those who we “intuitively” sense (which is sometimes mixed up with reactions based on previous experiences in our lives) are not good for us, how will we ever know they are actually right?
I admit, I struggle with this issue. Some of my closest friendships developed from the other person seeking me out, sometimes over and over again. People I initially didn’t feel a connection with or a particular interest in getting to know better, or even those who seemed “against” me, are now definitely some of my biggest allies.
Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup, tackles the issue of situational unfairness in her post Life Is Not Fair. She comes out the other side with this nugget:
We can’t expect fairness and we can’t expect positive outcomes to all of our dilemmas. The most we can do with what we are given (whether it’s good, bad or indifferent) is to do our work and be the best person we can be surrounded by the best people we can surround ourselves with…love is an action and love makes everything else easier.
Love is an action, and feeling as much love as possible feeds us. But can love for those who may seem to be our enemy, or even lack a supportive nature, feed us too? I’m not saying everyone in our lives should be unsupportive bastards. I’m just wondering if there is wiggle room around deciding who is “right” to have in our lives, especially around the less obvious ones.
Is life more about being open to all people, and trusting the “right” people will find their way to the top, or about constantly assessing through intuition and other means who is helpful to keep in, or cut from, your life? I would really love some feedback on this, because I’m actually (for once) at a loss.
What do you think about having the “right” people in your life? Share your thoughts below.
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13 Comments... join the discussion!
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I think If you feel the need to have “wiggle room” in your choice of friends than that’s right for you and you should go with it! I feel that having the right people in my life means keeping the relationships that are positive and meaningful to me and letting go of the ones that have ceased to be so. Sometimes letting go of them is harder than you think it’d be. A now toxic friendship can be held onto the way some people hold onto old furniture or outdated clothes – you have no use for it but value it for the memory it gives. Occasionally doing this is fine but if you find yourself a “hoarder” of sorts then you’ve got to clean house. I don’t believe that you can know when initially meeting someone how good of a friend they’d be. I try to be open-minded and friendly (yet also careful) with everyone and let friendship happen where it will. I’ve met some great people that way and if I’d been more discriminating I might not have.
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I think that we need to surround ourselves with all types of people in order to grow personally and professionally. We may be supported and motivated by the “good” people, but we can also learn from those who are “bad.” At the very least, they show us what we don’t want to be.
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Ditto, and boy did I surround myself with the “wrong” people in high school. I think I turned out okay…it’s ultimately our decision to accept how others influence us.
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Sometimes we don’t have a choice of some of the people that surround us. Family members or partners chosen by our children come to mind. We don’t necessarily have to love everyone and they may not necessarily be the “right” people in our lives, but there is something about tolerance that needs to be considered. I do think life is about being more open to all people, to allow them to be who they are, and friendship will either happen or it won’t.
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I’ve been with the wrong crowd, the right crowd and the group that don’t go either way. To be honest I’m glad for it. I’ve grown as a person and can only see myself continuing to as I get out in the world.
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I thinks it fine to hang out with the wrong people with one caveat: remain unattached to their behaviors and philosophy. Really this is a paraphrase of the quote from kung fu:
“respect all ways, but first your own.”I started hanging out with some “wrong people” at an early age, and adopted their behaviors and attitudes unknowingly. It took a few year before I consciously changed the beliefs instilled into me, but now I’m able to enjoy time spent with people of any philosophy, disposition, or attitude, and remain steadfast in my own.
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I think you can find support in unexpected places, but those that stick through hard times and can keep hanging on are the ones that can be counted on. There are those that fall away and those that stick around. Everyone you meet is in your life, but not all of them stay.
As always, you’ve got me thinking!
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This used to be all black and white for me: do drugs, you’re out. Regularly be negative, you’re out. I’m a little more open when it comes to meeting people and establishing new friendships, but sometimes, as I figure out their behavior, I just have to dump them. Stopped talking to a girl I had known for two years after I just couldn’t take any more of her selfishness; it was getting to me.
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A thought provoking article. I went through phases of hanging out with good and not so good people. At the time, those periods of time helped me learn about myself. I learned to be more selective and not to lower my standards. A friend once told me, “People will always come and go. Some last a lifetime, others a few years, and some only a season. Embrace the good times, even it was a season.”
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Great article. I think it is important to have a balance of people in your life. The key is learning about the different types of people. No one is perfect and although your best friend may have many things in common with you, many other people could be best friends even if they’re completely different. I try to keep all types of people in my life – no matter how different or negative they may be. Your trust on them will be questioned. No we may not be as close but when they are there for you they are a friend. I find that people surprise me.
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Right and wrong are so relative; in the end you will know by how you feel from the interactions; I have always appreciated differing views as I felt it broadened my horizons and felt one should try an experience at least once before passing judgement about right or wrong – but then circumstances are never the same for each individual so you go with the philosophy of giving love as they will be uplifted and so will you etc… The thing is, giving love and being tolerant is often viewed by many as a weakness and you end up with the short end of the stick and you keep going because you do not wish to give up etc and you start to become depressed, snappy, etc so now you feel wrong in your own skin! So at long last, you decide the person is the wrong person and you move on wishing you had done so much earlier for such time wasted,,,then on the other hand, there are those that reciprocate the love and make you feel a lot better and the philosophy of giving love is so great. In the end, being kind to yourself will allow you to be kind to others and when they are dictatorial and always critical then they are wrong and you should move on and find those willing to discuss and compromise..
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Always seek the light. There is the truth. There is understanding, and love. And while there can not be light without the dark, it is in the light that one stands near to our creator and source of being.
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