Photo: Natalie Grant
Whether it’s a new best friend or a sudden soul-mate, we all must say goodbye when our paths diverge. Here’s how to do it gracefully.
If someone tells you they think a passionate kiss goodbye at the train station seems romantic, that’s because they’ve never had to do it.
The dreaded farewell is the one inevitable remainder at the end of your travel equation. Alas, such is the bittersweet lifestyle of those who are constantly in motion.
The dreaded farewell is the one inevitable remainder at the end of your travel equation. Alas, such is the bittersweet lifestyle of those who are constantly in motion.
It’s a double-edged sword, because bonding with someone you meet along the way does make your trip that much more special; but when forced to part ways, it can be downright depressing to journey on alone.
Seasoned travelers are pros at it: they’re delighted to have met you but not conflicted about nudging you back out of their day. Newborns tend to sink that grappling hook into the first English-speaking human they see (‘Can I friend you on Facebook?!’)
The rest of us let things come as they will, heart-strings tugged or not tugged accordingly.
Whether it’s a new best friend or a sudden soul-mate, having someone you care about depart for the other side of the world just plain blows.
Which is why traveling is like gliding: if you’re too worried about hitting the ground, you miss the view. Instead seek to master the tricky art of farewells, here are some suggestions that might help.
Golden Rule #1
Hang on tightly, let go lightly. Think of your brief friendships as the best kind of bear hugs – warm, close, and strong. The more you fight the release, the less chance you’ll be left with that sensational just-hugged feeling.
If you doubt your ability to let go lightly, just keep pretending you will and you might do it on impulse when the time comes. Simply recite this rule as a mantra on repeat until you give yourself over to your inner emotional ninja.
Golden Rule #2
Photo: Natalie Grant
Try to live only in the present moment. I received this slice of “mind-blowing wisdom” from the Greek man who tied my bungee cord at the Corinth Canal bridge.
The reason he loves his job, he admitted to me, is because he gets to watch people transform: when they’re about to jump, the only thing they can think of is breathing. No emails, work schedules, cable bills, dogfood, lost car keys… What they see and feel in the moment – that’s it.
We’re constantly fretting over what needs to be done tomorrow, what happened last week, what our future’s screaming at us. Even while you read this you’re probably thinking about three other things. Life would be sweeter if we could train ourselves to live in the present more often.
Trust me, enjoying your last minutes together at the airport is better spent without glancing at your watch.
Golden Rule #3
Embrace weak excuses to reunite. A distant cousin’s ex-wife, an internet graduation, a possible part-time unpaid internship that you have no intention of applying for… stretch it out. It’s not that hard to arrange a visit – save money, book a ticket, and just go.
Even if it doesn’t work out the same way it did the first time you met, you’ll probably still have a hell of a time, and an even better story for the grandkids.
When you make promises to meet up with people across the world, and follow through on what some (*cough* boring) people might call a whim, the feeling of being together again is more exhilarating and precious than you can imagine.
Two ocean-divided friends of mine followed through to meet up this year, and now they’re married. Life’s too short for heavy thinking and rational planning.
Golden Rule #4
Turn the time limit around until it works to your advantage. Knowing you don’t have the luxury to play those ridiculous dating mind-games people are so good at these days (i.e., “call you next week sometime?”) allows you to get over yourself and just do what you genuinely feel like.
We used to joke at a hostel I stayed at once that travel-relationships were normal relationships on speed. Three days feels like three weeks, and a month two years. You get to know each other much too well in a very short amount of time, and you battle random obstacles you’d never even ponder at home.
So why not embrace that seldom-offered opportunity to hit those relationship curveballs, sans the heavy commitment? If you want to be closer to someone, heave the mind-games out the window and be upfront. There’s no time but now – literally.
Golden Rule #5
Learn from the masters. Ah, the goodbye scenes. And the reunions! Buy some full-fat popcorn, put your feet up and re-watch those classic moments of farewell (and moments of ‘I changed my mind’): Before Sunrise, Same Time Next Year, Serendipity, Love Actually, Romancing the Stone, Casablanca… the list goes on.
What mistakes did those fools make that you’d rather not emulate? What moments have you secretly reenacted in your foggy bathroom mirror?
See You Later
When in doubt, adopt the “let’s not and say we did” philosophy: as in, just don’t say goodbye, and then you won’t have to say goodbye. A simple “see you later” has much the same effect. If he or she really is that special to you, then you’re not lying. You will see them later.
Like anything, it takes practice. Grow a thicker skin, learn to love your naïve little heart until that which is inconvenient becomes endearing; keep those relationships special, even if they end when the terminal gate closes.
Remember: happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
What are your tips for goodbyes on the road? Share your thoughts in the comments!
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19 Comments... join the discussion!
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Wonderful – what a thoughtful article! You have to wonder if part of the hesitance to travel is the dread of a heartfelt goodbye. When you put your fears into context, they’re not so intimidating anymore. Thank you for this well-needed, down-to-earth article. Truly an excellent topic, not to mention superb writing!
Sweet!
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Great post. Anyone who has done a bit of traveling can relate. Wish I had been given this advice years ago!
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After learning the hard way that’s it’s here today; no tomorrow, I part with a joke like, “See you around”.
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Rule #3 is the reason I’ll probably visit Israel after a couple of couchsurfers from that country nearly begged me to visit them. I was about to do the usual “I hope I can. We’ll see.” But I made it a point of making it reality. Willpower. It’s fantastic.
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I really like this, Natalie. Great job.
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“Hold on tightly, let go lightly.” I doubt that it’s originally from Croupier, but I have been quoting that as a personal ethos ever since I saw that movie I guess travel eventually makes everyone into Buddhists–it’s fairly incompatible with material acquisitions or longings (apart from, you know, essentials like food, clothing, laptops, and cameras.)
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Ah, what a brilliant article!
“Life is too short for heavy drinking and rational planning”
I always have a problem with letting go lightly, even after 2.5 years on the road…but I must say that I have met up with several people that I used to travel with in very unsuspecting parts of the world. After a while, I now know that everyone is just a plane ride away….
It is a little more difficult for romantic relationships but I think with a little of surrender, the currents of destiny will find its way to converge again…
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Cutest article I’ve read in a long time!
Great job Natalie↵ -
Broke up with my Spanish boyfriend to get some clarity, then went the next day to teach at a summer camp. Met someone immediately who I was interested in immediately, and I gave up beach time for siestas to make up for the night before. A beautiful, beautiful three weeks, yes, on fast forward.
I got back together with my boyfriend a few months later, knowing that my new amiguito and I could never be together, mainly because I kept one thing in mind: me following my bliss wasn’t going to end up with a wedding in Madrid. Always take it for what it is: a glorified rebound with someone pretty great.
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This is such a honestly written article. I definitely feel that mini-relationships/friendships on the road are something to be embraced. Getting to know someone special in brief stint of time is like nothing else. Whether its at a hostel, where you find yourself amongst solo travelers of the same attitude and philosophy as you, who have been traveling alone and are ready to open up and just make friends, close friends. Its a magical convergence of the right people and the right moment.
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Great article Natalie – I was thinking about this a week ago when I was saying goodbye to a drinking and card-playing partner of several days. Part of me thought “I should get his email or something” but a bigger part realized that it would cheapen the moment somehow, and I should just enjoy the good times we shared and wish him well without the awkwardness of trying to force a prolonged connection.
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Your post reminded me of (my geek slip is showing) a Babylon 5 episode that introduced “technomages”, who use science to simulate the effects of magic. One of them described their group this way:
“We are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers. We study the mysteries of laser and circuit, crystal and scanner, holographic demons and invocations of equations. These are the tools we employ, and we know many things. Fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever, seven words to make them go without pain, how to say goodbye to a friend who is dying, how to be poor, how to be rich, how to rediscover dreams when the world has stolen them from you.”
Consider that while technomages study technology, it’s only a tool for what they seem to value most: finding meaning in life. I can’t help but wonder whether your thoughts here would be part of that “arcane” (hidden, secret) wisdom.
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Great article! You’ve gracefully handled one of the trickiest aspects of travel for newbee’s p.s. loved the “to love your naïve little heart until that which is inconvenient becomes endearing”, sometimes its hard to stay naive on the road but worth it if you can.
keep the fantastic articles coming!↵ -
This one hit close to home. Well written, to the point, and I’m glad I could read it with fond memories of my own experiences and not with a heavy heart.
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What a sweetly written tribute to those sometimes earth shattering encounters on the road! This entire article resonated with my experiences this last year – relationships on speed, letting go of the traditional (boring) courtship & just diving in to embrace the moment. It feels so much more free to love the same way you live, no? And it’s true – the fates will bring everyone around who is supposed to stay in your life.
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My best on-the-road good bye came from someone I didn’t know I was going to see again or not. As I walked away, he said, “See you soon, mate, on the road somewhere…” I knew then, there was a big chance I would see my friend again. And guess what, in ten days, I am.
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Great advice, I think, for daily relationships too. Lovely article!
And you’ve also given me a good reason to try bungee jumping as soon as possible.
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I agree that saying goodbye is the hardest thing when travelling. I have met so many great people, but saying goodbye never gets easier. You have to live in the moment and truly appreciate the moments of friendship that you have.
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