Photo by garryknight
Travelling without your significant other. Is it totally crazy and just plain wrong?
Not at all.
Everyone has a different approach to travel; for some, being the lone wolf is best.
I’m going to assume that anyone actively seeking out this sort of advice wants to travel alone for wholly innocent reasons — namely, a burning desire to see the world –and nothing nefarious (ahem…Thai school girls, cough…Kuta cowboys).
The fact of the matter is, it’s a tough situation. There’s no easy way to tell your lady or man you want to hit the road solo, so before approaching your better half, ask yourself why you want to travel alone. You need to have a good reason.
Be honest, sensitive, and rational.
If you can’t be honest with yourself about your reasons for wanting to leave, then how do you expect to be honest with your significant other?
There’s a strong likelihood your main squeeze is going to be hurt by your desire to travel alone. Be sensitive to the fact that being in a relationship means wanting to share experiences in your life with another person.
Speak calmly, take it slow, and most importantly, be 100% honest. Lying or telling half-truths is just plain disrespectful and if that’s the route you want to take, you might as well end the relationship.
Also, be sure you have your rationalizations on the matter soundly worked out, because nothing will spell disaster faster than zero justification for travelling alone. Your number one goal here is to put your partner at ease and make him or her understand your reasons.
Avoid saying things like, “If I wanted to cheat on you, why would I travel halfway around the world to do it?” As sincere as you may be with that sentiment, it’s just plain weak. If it were true, pretty much every red light district in the world would cease to exist.
There are a million and one reasons why someone would travel halfway around the world to cheat on their significant other – namely because it’s halfway around the world.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Realize that your desire to travel alone while in a relationship is not exactly a common sentiment. It’s difficult for a lot of people to wrap their heads around.
If it’s a case of your significant other simply not wanting to travel anywhere, ever, then you should use this in your appeal and stress how much seeing the world means to you. After all, your partner not wanting to travel puts you in a somewhat difficult situation.
It isn’t fair that you should have to let go of your ambitions based on his or her indifference toward seeing the world. If you can respect your partner’s disinterest in travelling, your partner should respect your desire to travel. Be very careful, however, not to turn it into a diatribe whereby you vent spleen on never being allowed to do what you want.
You’re asking to do something wholly independent and mature and you should treat the situation as such. Arguments are bad news.
Consider a compromise.
It might also be a good idea to suggest a compromise. Exactly what sort of compromise is up to you and your darling dear, but it could help the situation. Agreement with your travel request shows a deep respect for your personal space and a huge amount of trust in your commitment to the relationship. Therefore, if your partner should ask for something in return, be flexible.
If you feel that your relationship is a particularly strong one, say so. Tell your partner that you wouldn’t be asking this if you didn’t already feel completely confident in the strength and trust between you. It’s arguable that time apart can strengthen a relationship, whether it needs it or not. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?
Careful with this one though, as you don’t want to insinuate in any way that your fondness is somehow lacking.
Photo by masochismtango
A few years back, I decided that I was going to go to Thailand for a month, get away from my day job, and write.
My girlfriend at the time completely understood and off I went. We kept in constant contact during my time away and when I returned home a month later, our relationship was stronger than it had ever been.
That girlfriend is now my wife.
Relationships are hard work and each one is different. Just because yours doesn’t resemble others doesn’t mean that it’s somehow less serious or committed. However you do end up handling things, give yourself credit for being up front about your desires.
Life’s too short to hold off on doing the things that matter to you.
COMMUNITY CONNECTION:
For more on the ups and downs of relationships on the road, check out How Being Apart Can Strengthen a Relationship, or How To Travel with your Fiance and Come Back Together.
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18 Comments... join the discussion!
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I only have one concern with the whole, "Absence makes the heart grow stronger." And that is that people do change over time, even if you are gone. You cannot expect a relationship to be the same when you get back. There was an instance that I traveled to France, Italy, and Greece. I was gone for a month. Now I wasn't in a relationship, just my relationship with friends. When I got back, things were different and it was hard to bounce back with them. I had done so much, gone so many places, and experienced so much that when I got back, I was different, and they were different as well.
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I tend to agree with this. It's hard enough when you go away and come back, trying to get your friends and family excited about your travels and any changes that might have occured in you. They just don't care and would rather not hear it (usually they are jealous). Rolf Potts talks about this in Vagabonding. Just imagine trying to share this with your significant other and them not caring, or feigning interest. that would be tough to swallow.
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This is an interesting issue/article. I think it really, really depends on what kind of travel. If you're talking an open-ended trip, crossing Asia or South America or wherever, really, with just a backpack and your own whims, I think that could really harm a relationship. And if a person needs to do that kind of soul-searching, and really throw themselves into travel without limitations, maybe it's time to take some time off from being in a relationship. However, a trip with a specific start and end date, for the love/lust/thrill/challenge of travel, is a different story. I tend to travel in epic swoops without knowing exactly where I'll end up, and I think asking to do that alone would scare the daylights out of my husband (not out of fear for my safety, but rather for our future). But I also think he'd be totally fine if I said, "hey, I'm going to go teach here for a month, travel there, and then come home." Ok! But man, it's hard to go back to traveling alone once you've started traveling with a husband/wife/significant other.
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This is a tough issue to negotiate. While my wife and I travel both together and separately (she leisurely, myself mostly for work), it's never straightforward. My belief is that you need to be very open with your partner about where you're going, why, how, with whom (if anyone), and how you'll stay in touch. And that goes for a 2 day trip or a month!
And… Skype is a lifesaver!
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Really interesting conversation opened up by this article– thanks to all of you who are adding a new dimension to the issue of traveling solo. I travel both with my husband and without him, but like Carlo, when I'm traveling alone I find myself wanting to share the experience with him. Living it and talking about it are just two totally different things. And like Sarah, I relate with the idea that a long-term traipse around the world could actually be harmful to a relationship–not because the relationship isn't strong, but because, as Jodi pointed out, we all grow and change. Now, growth and change happen no matter whether we're traveling or at home, but when we're traveling, growth and change tend to happen much more quickly. Traveling with your partner can teach you a lot of things about yourself and the other person, and enriches the relationship immeasurably.
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There is a tiny part of me that wants to try solo travel. But when I think about it, I'd much rather share the experiences with my wife. I should have done some solo travel when I was single and in my twenties, but never had that urge at that time. Actually, you could blame my wife for giving me the bug. It is now part of our lifestyle together and it wouldn't be the same without her.
"If it’s a case of your significant other simply not wanting to travel anywhere, ever…" – if this were true and you have a desire to travel, I would consider it a fundamental difference, and one not likely to be overcome by a single trip away. In general, travelers have a different outlook on life than non-travelers, and it must be hard to relate. Saying that, as you said, every relationship is different, and I am sure there are cases where this does work, but I am sure it is the (rare) exception rather than the rule.
It's a tough one. You are a lucky man to have someone so understanding. I think most people would take it personally and wonder "what's wrong with me?" "why do they want to get away from me?"
If you are in this situation, good luck!
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This is one of the those questions you need to ask before you get married: Honey, do you like to travel?
I can't see anyone being happy that their significant other is taking off for any extended period of time. I can't even see anyone being happy with them taking off for a week by themselves. Jealousy, envy, all kinds of emotions bubble to the surface.
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In my experience, absence doesnt make the heart go fonder unless the reationship is stainless steel strong. When you travel, you change: your priorities change, your point of views change, the way you look your life at "home" change, etc. And along that change you might discover new dreams within you that might be incompatible with your sentimental other, especially if she is not 100% into travelling and living abroad.
Be careful if you're thinking of telling your sentimental other that you want to travel alone, because relationships are not meant to develop through the distance: distance and time apart are THE WORST enemies for a relationship.
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I think it depends on your relationship. I have an aunt and uncle who have been married for over 40 years. They took separate vacations in addition to vacationing together; they still do this. Many years ago my aunt went on a 3 week trip to Europe. My uncle was just fine. Sometimes my uncle would be gone for a month on a fishing trip; my aunt was just fine.
When people get married they tend to "get rid" of their single friends and find married friends. Next to go is their own identities. Now wonder we have a high divorce rate in the U.S.A.
When people enter into a committed relationship, it becomes like a marriage. Men usually have restrictions on what they can and cannot do; women may experience the same thing. Just because you are a couple does not mean you have to give up "game night" or "solo travel."
I think the biggest hang up people have with solo travel is the "trust" factor. If you're questioning that aspect in your relationship, perhaps you are not ready to be in a relationship or the one you're in is not right for you. I would like to find a guy who enjoys travel as much as I do, but if that's the "one thing" we do not have in common, I'm not going to dismiss him. As long as he respects and trusts me when I travel by myself then our relationship will be just fine. If not, then he is not the guy for me.
Whether or not I come back from my travels a different person depends on where I go and why I am going in the first place.
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Me and my partner have been together for 2 years. I want to go travelling alone. He wants to travel too but is it consodered bad if I just want to go a month before him and then meet him over there. I am 100% in love with my partner and have no interest in 'cheating' and i understand that people change. I see it as something I want to do for myself. Something I have always wanted to do by myself. I want t put this as a challenge to myself. I want to know that the 'old' me is still in me! What do you guys think? Sorry if that sounded dumb!
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Next month I am leaving to go backpacking in Southeast Asia for 4 months without my boyfriend. We are now dating for 6 months. At first he was really unsure about my plans, because he was afraid that I might cheat on him or didn't want him anymore when I come back. But we have talked a lot about it and now he trust me and our relationship. We agreed to have contact as least once a week true email or phone, to keep connected and keep our love flowing. I really hope that everything will workl out fine so that I can travel and maintain this loving relationship.
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@moondancer: your relationship is over, save your boyfriend the heartache and just call it before you go. If you’re traveling alone in South East Asia you are going to be exposed to a whole lot of new and exciting experiences and you will inevitably end up sharing them with someone you meet on the road. Trust me, I know this. Once you get home your relationship and life won’t hold the same appeal.
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I wonder what happened to moondancer? Would love to hear her story!
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I think this is an amazing and sensitive article that covers the main problems of discussing the issue of ‘wanting’ to be apart without actually wanting to be apart. Me and my partner have travelled in the past and we are currently planning a big trip to S.E asia. We have enjoyed planning and scheming for ages and we are SO excited to see this part of the word together. However my partner, being far less travelled then me recently said he would like to go it alone for a portion of the trip, a point of view I totally understand and respect. We agreed that what we would do is set out in to the same destination and spend a few weeks exploring it independently. At the end of our time we would agree a place to meet and share our storied and pictures. Then we will see how both of us tackled the same place differently and the unique things we decided to do and see. Then we will take each other to the best things we saw and share that experience with each other, each of us leading each other to the things we had found and sharing our experiences. of course we have agreed on rules i.e. obviously no cheating, no red light district fun, no sharing beds with the opposite sex but as far as making friends and finding companions, I hope that we will both make amazing friends that we can introduce our partners to at the end of our solo travels!
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